I am sitting in an air conditioned room studying antennas. I
don’t even like what I read. I am doing it for a reason beyond my comprehension
so I tag it as compulsion. And then I wonder how I let such compulsion creep
into my life.
In reality my own sense of freedom feels challenged every
time I do something that is less than pleasant. I have no intention to defend
my decisions, I bear the consequences but the fact that they create a feeling of
suffocation make me wonder what compels me to take these decisions. I would
like to believe that I can stand up for what I believe in. I would like to
believe that I am an idealist, a romantic who wants to enjoy an idealist’s life.
And yet I have to employ a pragmatic perspective also every time I make a
decision. There is something about risks that scares me. I am a romantic, a
risk taker who gets cold feet often. It’s never been difficult to stand up for
something I feel is wrong. But when the wrong doing is hidden in the grey area
my vision fades. I understand the grey area but how can I be expected to have a
black or white stand when what I see is grey.
As a kid these decision were easier. You knew what was right
and you knew what was wrong. Today those lines blur. You do things you don’t
agree with yet you enjoy. You make mistakes that lead to self destruction. And
yet you make those mistakes again. I am lost right now. Lost in translations,
lost in viewpoints and often amused by the arguments I hear that intend to
convince me towards a side. Some are bullet proof and yet sound wrong. Some are
shady, blurry and yet make sense. In reality things hardly make sense anymore.
Everything is too hazy.
Be it the world, be it personal life- there is always a grey
area. In fact, there is only a grey area no black no white. No right no wrong.
You can hear a story and believe a person, and then you hear the other side.
Malevolence at times is obvious. Cruelty at times is strangely understandable
(not acceptable). Living with a closed book of ideals turns you into either a
bigot or a headstrong fanatic. Having an open mind often leaves you with no
real stand to take. If you are willing to hear both sides, in your true honest
form you must also lend them an ear of understanding. And when you begin to
understand different perspectives of the same act, the same story, things cease
to make sense to you. You can only understand perspectives but any conclusion
you reach has the risk of a bias hidden in it.
You must now wonder, what really is wrong with holding a
biased opinion? A biased opinion can often lead to alienation of a reasonable
argument. What confuses me really is how does one take a stand without
completely understanding a situation? Is it just to support a situation because
you believe in a sentiment? Or is it better to support the sentiment and
analyze the situation on stricter parameters? In reality, there is no analysis
that can satisfy parameters of a sentiment without challenging one or the
other. In such a situation you are compelled to pick a side you don’t fully
agree with or you sit quietly behind a desk and stare into nothingness with a
nod and a shrug.
What do you do when your voice is lost? When you can’t just
stand up and say, “This is wrong” or “this is right” or even a simple “I agree”
or “I disagree” just because you don’t feel qualified enough too.
Often everyone bullshits because it’s impossible to be
absolutely correct but the thing with being relatively correct is that it
borders irrationality which can be tremendously dangerous when arguing
something worthwhile. Lawyers make a living out of defending ideals they might
or might not uphold themselves. The question of morality is one that boggles
the mind. Is it a concept only for story books and Disney movies? Or is
morality a pragmatic solution? If it is who defines morality. Certainly one
human, or one society or one world cant! You can never know both sides to a
story.
There was a time when I believed in a certain minister who
ruled the state I live in. I appreciated the fact that my standard of living
had improved gravely in his regime. The place I live in had become better. I
had more opportunities. I had a better lifestyle and my own city was becoming a
mega city. But then the city was hit by communal violence. And there was chaos
and murder between communities. A murdered B hence B justified him raping every
woman that belonged to A. And then news came that cruel, inhuman massacre was
carried out by some men. There was news that this was due to a leader I liked.
And I saw a horrible face of humanity. The face where humanity perishes and
inhuman cruelty begins. Experts often comment that inhuman cruelty is carried
out by complete detachment. While committing an act of cruelty the person committing
the crime looses touch with his humaneness and occupies a hardcore, cool and
calculated position and carries out the crime as a chore. The very idea sends
shivers down my spine.
For quite some time, I believed the falsehoods delivered on
news. There was a time I believed that no one man can be the cause of so much
blood. And yet with time I read more, I talked more and I found out things that
exposed a very cool and calculated decision on one man’s side. And my opinion changed. I began believing that
one man can be capable of making a cold hearted decision when the choice
presented to him is in terms of numbers and not human lives. The disconnection
with humanity begins when you convert life into statistics. And statistics is
what caused one of the greatest massacres of this decade. There is no one
person I blame but I have lost faith. I feel guilty at times of the development
for it cannot hide a cruel decision. And now when I talk to supporters of the
same man their arguments sound hollow. How do you justify killing innocent
families? How do you justify murder? How much can you hide the gory past under
the fact that the present and the future look calmer and brighter?
If you disconnect and adopt a heightened sense of
rationality you can understand the reason behind the decisions made. You can
understand that in the long run there is a sense of uncomfortable peace in an
area that was not there before. You can even understand the support that a man
who made such a decision receives because of the kind of work he has done. You
even appreciate it to an extent and applaud the man’s political brilliance. But
you can never accept it. You can never justify it. And the fact that there is a
sense of fear prevailing in the society, you cannot comprehend that a sense of
autocracy and dictatorship prevails in you well developed area.
As long as you turn a blind eye, as long as you don’t stand
in the way of a man on the rise, as long as you are docile and understanding
you will prosper. The minute you strike the wrong chord or the minute you bring
up a buried past so horrid you will lose your safety blanket.
In the end you are compelled to make a decision. You accept
the crap they delve and you try to accept it. Or you ignore it and get on with
your life. Because having known the facts or having heard the voices that you
hear whining and wailing you cannot accept what happened. You can applaud the
man for building a successful career. You can appreciate the political genius.
You can even dismiss the allegations with the argument that every politician
has skeletons in their closet. But deep down you cannot ignore the fact that a
gruesome cruel crime in fact many gruesome cruel crimes were committed,
innocent lives lost and no amount of political drama, justifications or at this
point even an apology can change that. Ignorant we live in bliss. We don’t dare
to see the other side. Some who see manage to construe it in such a way as to
make it sound acceptable. Maybe they are paid to or maybe they have the
‘rationale’ to do so. But as a human being I cannot accept a future built on a
bloody past.
Shweta Kulshreshtha
