LAB RAT!
They sat under the starry night in the same place they had occupied not so long ago. Hand in hand
they stared at the wonderful starry sky overhead lost in a dreamy world. At least one of them was. She couldn’t stop thinking of how lucky she felt. This guy wasn’t perfect. He wasn’t anything like she had ever imagined. He was different but something in him had made her fall for him. And despite denying it all along they had by some grace hooked up. It had taken him almost half a year to convince her that he was in love with her. She never believed it but when he persisted she had too. After all he was the guy she wanted.
Their love story was like every other yet it had something special sprinkled all over it. The girl was a clumsy oaf who had frizzy hair and a crooked nose. But her heart was special, big enough to love the world. The guy was average in all means possible. He was tall, geeky and huggable. Qualities she never thought would make her heart flip. The guy was convinced that he would always be a nobody and yet to the girl he meant everything. He always wondered why would anyone ever love him and she wondered why doesn’t he see the wonderful inside him. She saw a spark in his eyes when he played music. She saw a brightness on his face when he solved physics. She saw how his hugs were always around whenever she needed him and she knew that she loved him for all his flaws- a perfect love she had only read of in story books.
He saw that this girl loved him. He knew he was her confidant and he knew that frizzy hair and a crooked nose were the best he could do with his awkward height and geekish looks. She did care and she was always there. He knew that she loved him and so he had proposed almost six months back. It had been a year and the fireworks did fly for sometime. In both their meaningless lives they were there for each other. And the world barely knew. Who would know a librarian dating a lab assistant there were million such spread all over. He hadn’t yet introduced her to his buddies but had met all her friends. Somehow he felt shame in showing her off. Being a lab assistant he had worked under some sultry women yet women were never easy to come. Though having a girlfriend would have made him a player he somehow could never bring her up. They teased him with the finest and he was stuck with crap. At least that’s how he knew other’s would feel and somehow that mattered more than anything else. But her heart kept him tied to her. He knew that no other girl would ever do so much as he could have her do.
And for the first few months he actually felt smitten. Whenever she’d ask to meet his family or friends he’d avoid the conversation with an excuse. that’s how the relationship was. She was in love and he was enjoying being loved. Six months ago love had happened for her and she knew he’d be her guy. She knew he was special as he had a heart of gold. She loved him for all his honesty. And six months later as they sat under the starry sky all she wanted to do was give her man a simple kiss. As she drew close he drew closer and just as their lips were about to meet he pushed her away saying, “ I need to tell you something important!”
She batted her eyelashes reminiscing how he had made her life amazing by saying those magic words first. She knew that though rare and few his words always managed to bedazzle her. She waited for him to speak and took his hand in hers.
“I don’t love you! It was all in a moment’s heat. I hope you understand. I really need to leave. We’ll talk soon. Keep in touch!”
And he left. She sat their all alone under the same starry night. Tears in her eyes. A crack in her heart and a lot of pain she never had felt before. After all she was the girl with a crooked nose and frizzy hair who really didn’t deserve love or even a respectable goodbye. They barely talked. She called him he avoided her as much as he could. And she never got to say goodbye.
Today she is still a girl with a crooked nose, frizzy hair and a broken heart. And he is with his buddies comparing whose supervisor is hotter!
Life is too big an experience and love is too big a risk. You never give your heart it gets taken away. so when you get it back all tattered into pieces you can either sit and cry or give life another chance.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Friday, March 19, 2010
another brick in the wall
Today as I sit with my textbooks open on my table, trying really hard to understand all the techno gibberish that I never seem to get a hang of my mind wanders (as it always does). I have been in worse situations but I always knew how to get out and right now academics is a looming demon sitting on my head sucking all my free thinking away. I feel like a criminal wandering but I must for with out musing about life there is no meaning to living ;).
My mind wanders through the world, through the mind’s of great men and women whose ideas amaze me and most of all through my own life. Getting philosophical as always I wonder how things change all the time yet at the end of the day you end up doing the very same thing you did yesterday. I can have a war in the morning, get my mind fucked working on some circuit and almost consider suicide rather than attending another text book lecture by another professor ( they all seem the same to me with their old school ways and text book concepts) but at the end of the day I will sit in my room on my chair staring at my pc’s screen checking out Facebook and Gmail. There are so many options to pass your time. You can play Farmville, or sims and create your own virtual world. You can sit in a friend’s room and gossip about the world. You can just sleep, the best time pass till date. But none of this seems remotely challenging or meaningful. I feel like a useless person who can do nothing more than put status updates on face book.
At this precise moment the only challenge I face is acing subjects I have no clue of, which seems more of a mandatory necessity rather than an undertaken adventure and getting over some personal issues. Yet there is nothing I can do about something that affects me so much. I fear I am becoming another brainwashed fragment of the mass. Under culture or maybe under cult and trends people cant seem to realize how similar they are becoming to one another. We restrict ourselves to staying with people who have a fixed idea of things. We prefer to behave what suits our peers or our authority and we judge each other at every step we take. The worst feeling is to feel suppressed by authority that is irrational. No voice no say. All you have to do is mind your own business and move on. Either become a snitch or be prepared to be put on trial. As long as you are calm, quiet and sitting in a silent corner you are fine. Don’t question the decisions that affect your life, your friends or are simply too harsh. If you voice what you feel you’ll be on your way out of your cocoon. You can have special treatment and can be excused from diplomacy rules and actions if and only if you are willing to give certain special services that include information about the working and functioning of your own community.
As a child you are taught ideals, ideals that tell you, you must stand up for what you think is fundamentally correct. You are taught that the authority you are under must be fair. You are led to believe that the world you are in is a democracy that gives you freedom to think the way you want. Freedom to live, freedom to think, freedom to express, freedom to love, freedom to experience new things, freedom to be different and freedom to be able to explore are essential parts of developing as a human being. And when these freedoms are practiced they are tagged as vigilantism. Rebellion was a fine word to classify curiosity that the majority under the rule experienced but to crucify members who are willing to bend the rules as terrorists is an direct attack to the very ideals we were supposed to grow with. If we cant stand up to a simple institute where our basic rights are under threat and we are incapacitated to do anything what will we do when we step out into the world. Under the claim of privatization our authorities claim that they can destroy our future if we dare to have different ideas. The threat is not to set us straight but to scare us, suppress us. To prevent anyone from ever doing anything. it’s a scary thought, a scary thought indeed that despite of living in a free world we are enslaved by our own fears. They call us the future of tomorrow and yet everything we try to do, be it to have fun or to just be different or just express an opinion, is classified as out of control and criminal in nature. Such is the institute that builds a tomorrow. Such is the place that will teach us to become responsible citizen’s of a nation.
Till school each of us was taught to stand up to wrong and become strong and idealistic. In college we were supposed to learn maturity, responsibility and explore what growing up should mean. when young you have fun for you have no care in the world. But fierce independence, freedom and rational open thinking has been replaced with fear. Fear that if we did something that the big huge bully didn’t like then we would get a beating for it. I hope you understand what I mean. :-)
My mind wanders through the world, through the mind’s of great men and women whose ideas amaze me and most of all through my own life. Getting philosophical as always I wonder how things change all the time yet at the end of the day you end up doing the very same thing you did yesterday. I can have a war in the morning, get my mind fucked working on some circuit and almost consider suicide rather than attending another text book lecture by another professor ( they all seem the same to me with their old school ways and text book concepts) but at the end of the day I will sit in my room on my chair staring at my pc’s screen checking out Facebook and Gmail. There are so many options to pass your time. You can play Farmville, or sims and create your own virtual world. You can sit in a friend’s room and gossip about the world. You can just sleep, the best time pass till date. But none of this seems remotely challenging or meaningful. I feel like a useless person who can do nothing more than put status updates on face book.
At this precise moment the only challenge I face is acing subjects I have no clue of, which seems more of a mandatory necessity rather than an undertaken adventure and getting over some personal issues. Yet there is nothing I can do about something that affects me so much. I fear I am becoming another brainwashed fragment of the mass. Under culture or maybe under cult and trends people cant seem to realize how similar they are becoming to one another. We restrict ourselves to staying with people who have a fixed idea of things. We prefer to behave what suits our peers or our authority and we judge each other at every step we take. The worst feeling is to feel suppressed by authority that is irrational. No voice no say. All you have to do is mind your own business and move on. Either become a snitch or be prepared to be put on trial. As long as you are calm, quiet and sitting in a silent corner you are fine. Don’t question the decisions that affect your life, your friends or are simply too harsh. If you voice what you feel you’ll be on your way out of your cocoon. You can have special treatment and can be excused from diplomacy rules and actions if and only if you are willing to give certain special services that include information about the working and functioning of your own community.
As a child you are taught ideals, ideals that tell you, you must stand up for what you think is fundamentally correct. You are taught that the authority you are under must be fair. You are led to believe that the world you are in is a democracy that gives you freedom to think the way you want. Freedom to live, freedom to think, freedom to express, freedom to love, freedom to experience new things, freedom to be different and freedom to be able to explore are essential parts of developing as a human being. And when these freedoms are practiced they are tagged as vigilantism. Rebellion was a fine word to classify curiosity that the majority under the rule experienced but to crucify members who are willing to bend the rules as terrorists is an direct attack to the very ideals we were supposed to grow with. If we cant stand up to a simple institute where our basic rights are under threat and we are incapacitated to do anything what will we do when we step out into the world. Under the claim of privatization our authorities claim that they can destroy our future if we dare to have different ideas. The threat is not to set us straight but to scare us, suppress us. To prevent anyone from ever doing anything. it’s a scary thought, a scary thought indeed that despite of living in a free world we are enslaved by our own fears. They call us the future of tomorrow and yet everything we try to do, be it to have fun or to just be different or just express an opinion, is classified as out of control and criminal in nature. Such is the institute that builds a tomorrow. Such is the place that will teach us to become responsible citizen’s of a nation.
Till school each of us was taught to stand up to wrong and become strong and idealistic. In college we were supposed to learn maturity, responsibility and explore what growing up should mean. when young you have fun for you have no care in the world. But fierce independence, freedom and rational open thinking has been replaced with fear. Fear that if we did something that the big huge bully didn’t like then we would get a beating for it. I hope you understand what I mean. :-)
Saturday, October 31, 2009
an ode to a lady who refused to live by the world's ways....
in a small town of this large country there lived a woman, a woman with a family, a woman with a life and a woman who had a fierce air of self reliance about her. a few days ago this woman passed away. without a sound, without any noise just like that she left this big bad world leaving behind an entire family speechless and shocked. tears were shed, words of praise were passes, her life was admired and her character was idealized. this woman left behind her entire lifetime in her tiny home. this home was everything to her and everything for her. she had refused to live in the luxuries her successful progeny had to offer just so that she could live in that tiny broken house where her entire life had began. the house that she had built with her husband, where she had grown her family and the house where her beloved husband had breathed his last breath. this woman was no ordinary woman. she was a woman who lived life with the ferocity of a warrior not letting old age or the words of the world slow her down. not only did she not bring up wonderful children who grew to be set individuals of the society but also managed to keep an impossible lot of related siblings stay together despite their underlying friction. this woman wasn't easy to please, she was not easy to mess with. those whom she loved were loved like they couldn't be loved anymore and those whom she loathed couldn't have been loathed more than they were loathed. she had a heart, a huge heart that had enough love for all her children and grand children. a heart that knew that love could only be imparted in its purest form and that is free from any inhibitions or expectations. despite disappointments she loved, despite failures she supported and despite all the baggage that every family carries she kept everyone together. she was a woman determined who never conceded to life. she instilled in each of her children a respect for the family they belonged to and the love and commitment that they owed to keep that family together.
she was a woman who epitomises they way every individual in today's world should live. compromises were never in her dictionary. she lived by her own rules. and her life was looked at and admired by her family in the past three days. a life of 77 years was found in the corners of the house she had once lived in. old memories were hidden in old cards, photos and diaries. her children found their own childhood and reconnected with that old feeling of their lives as innocent carefree children. for from that tiny house which belonged to that old woman there were 8 More lives that went on to affect many many more lives. she left behind a legacy, an answer that can perhaps solve a lot of problems that an individual forced to grow up faces today.
the most wonderful part about her was her ability to live life on her own terms. she knew her strengths and never let her weaknesses get the better of her. she never let the world label her as something or someone. she lived independently and that fire inside her transcended through the world. it was this inherent stubbornness inside her that allowed her to live with such freedom. never afraid, never scared and never put down by anyone she lived her life like a queen does. yet her simplicity couldn't have been more than that of a saint. such was this woman who lived her own life on her own terms. when her death shocked the world the one's close to her revealed the life she had lived and a wonderful life it was. a life with a family. and at her death you had the entire family gathered and united by a singular grief and that grief of loosing someone so influential so suddenly. god called her and somewhere in heaven too she is living life in her own way on her own terms and not even god can change that.
this wonderful woman was my grandmother. the last time i saw her face my eyes were filled with tears. i will always live with the regret of not being able to say goodbye. she was a huge part of my life and my mother's best friend. her death left me with the realisation that how influential she had been in my own life. thus leaving me with a void. i cant seem to find closure. in my own life i was too blinded not to see the solutions she held to the problems i face. but finding out about her life gave me a strength, a strength to fight it out. she was a warrior in her own way. her death leaves me with a heavy heart and tearful eyes but i am proud of my grandmother. her life reminded me that i too have her legacy somewhere in my DNA and if i can be half the woman she was i might get far far ahead in life. rest in peace my dear Nani. i love you from the core of my heart and a part of you will always stay with me.
she was a woman who epitomises they way every individual in today's world should live. compromises were never in her dictionary. she lived by her own rules. and her life was looked at and admired by her family in the past three days. a life of 77 years was found in the corners of the house she had once lived in. old memories were hidden in old cards, photos and diaries. her children found their own childhood and reconnected with that old feeling of their lives as innocent carefree children. for from that tiny house which belonged to that old woman there were 8 More lives that went on to affect many many more lives. she left behind a legacy, an answer that can perhaps solve a lot of problems that an individual forced to grow up faces today.
the most wonderful part about her was her ability to live life on her own terms. she knew her strengths and never let her weaknesses get the better of her. she never let the world label her as something or someone. she lived independently and that fire inside her transcended through the world. it was this inherent stubbornness inside her that allowed her to live with such freedom. never afraid, never scared and never put down by anyone she lived her life like a queen does. yet her simplicity couldn't have been more than that of a saint. such was this woman who lived her own life on her own terms. when her death shocked the world the one's close to her revealed the life she had lived and a wonderful life it was. a life with a family. and at her death you had the entire family gathered and united by a singular grief and that grief of loosing someone so influential so suddenly. god called her and somewhere in heaven too she is living life in her own way on her own terms and not even god can change that.
this wonderful woman was my grandmother. the last time i saw her face my eyes were filled with tears. i will always live with the regret of not being able to say goodbye. she was a huge part of my life and my mother's best friend. her death left me with the realisation that how influential she had been in my own life. thus leaving me with a void. i cant seem to find closure. in my own life i was too blinded not to see the solutions she held to the problems i face. but finding out about her life gave me a strength, a strength to fight it out. she was a warrior in her own way. her death leaves me with a heavy heart and tearful eyes but i am proud of my grandmother. her life reminded me that i too have her legacy somewhere in my DNA and if i can be half the woman she was i might get far far ahead in life. rest in peace my dear Nani. i love you from the core of my heart and a part of you will always stay with me.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
this is why i am hot :P
This is why I am hot! :P
Captain kullu. That’s what my beloved friends call me these days. And though I hate that name it always brings a smile on my face. The past few weeks were literally like being stuck in a reality s how with tons of drama and unnecessary emotions. A simple life is a luxury but one filled with drama is an addiction. A hailstorm that’s how I describe the time that I am going through. At first there was this wicked villain who has apparently become my mother’s best friend these days who kept calling me to his crummy office and lecturing me on how wrong my life is. Parents and villains is the most deadliest combination you will ever find. I’d rather pull all my teeth out than sit and listen to this bitter man bash everything that’s wrong with my generation. Such narrow mindedness and lack of ability to really appreciate the world really disappoints me. If only people could rise from their own narrow moulds and ideas and accept the beauty of the time we live in things would be so much better. At least I wouldn’t have to explain every tiny freaking detail of my life to my mother had it not been for this nosey villain. Every body has a mogambo in their life and mine is this arrogant man. I would love to just state my point but all that would land me is an F grade. The death of democracy I tell you… :P
Had villains and worried parents been my only problem I would have been a normal teenager barely surviving a course she is barely interested in (well I am that but more too) but then you have crummy friends who prove that every living moment its get harder and harder for you to hate them. They suck, they’re crummy and they cant do one thing right and that’s why I love having them around. Its really their imperfections and their inabilities that glorify their niceties and their awesomeness hence making them more and more irresistible. I guess that’s why its so easy for some of them to hurt me so easily. Frankly all their mistakes are rewarded with my own style of punishment… excessive drama on my part ( my imperfection) but when one of them really manages to hurt me where it hurts the most I am left as a crippled baby on the side. If you really hurt me I wont bother you rather I’d leave you alone and flee the moment I see you because looking at your face world remind me of the moment you so easily managed to hurt me. But if you stand a chance of quick forgiveness I will hang around and just wait for you to make that face or say the right thing and then surprise you with a bear hug (something I am really good at). Well the greatest friend at times do the most hurtful things. You can either forgive and when that becomes hard just blow their heads of with a gun
As for the hailstorm that I am going through. See a multi- distracted mind like my own cant just sit on a chair and study all day long ( unlike a roomy I cant name) so I tend to get attracted to doing things I am good at. Trying new things making new friends and being there for them. Working and making magic happen, using word (my only strength) to create pieces I can be proud of, dance music and madness are things that have always been my life’s fascination. And fascination is a hard emotion to overcome. I tried keeping a low profile, I tried not being so involved so that I could study (LOL) but sadly it didn’t work. I guess I need all this to keep myself occupied otherwise this mind of mine totally out of control just like me can create ideas and theories that at times terrify me. Thinking too much is a crime that’s what some one once told me and making my own world is dangerous. Well if I ever find that person I’d laugh at his face because I am amused by the ease with which he classified my mind and my thought into such a huge cliché. I am proud of my ability to think non stop and know things other people might take a lifetime to realize. And to all those who find it frustrating all I can advice is without trying, without knowing and without every experiencing the empowerment that having an opinion or an observation gifts you don’t just judge things in the narrow mould you have created. Open up or remain rigid. Then maybe one day you too might be an arrogant villain somewhere desperately trying to create a community of students whose parents you can be best friends with. Narrow mindedness is the biggest enemy of free thought. Hence I have involved myself with things and challenges that were once a part of my dreams. I cant comprehend why I had gotten into a shell afraid of my own high hopes. I guess fear of failure was a dominating factor but I never realized that this fear made me a lesser version of myself. So now I come out all guns blazing. I am not stopping myself. Well I have. When you have the kind of villains I have doing everything can become a little tough. But ultimately I am not someone you can tame so I still do the same things I used too maybe even more but now with an ambition in mind. And these new endeavors have led me to finding new people thus broadening my own opinion on a lot of things and surprisingly has initiated so many new friendships that the pain I had from old ones slowly is slipping into some corner of my heart. Ultimately the one’s who were genuine are still a major part of my life and the rest are just people I am hanging on too with dear life. But one day my grip will slip and when that happens I wont be the one in loss.
In the end it surprises me that I can find strangers or acquaintances who understand things or show emotions that I need to hear on some days that are bad. I guess god has a special way of letting you hear what you want but god might be a sadist somewhere because its always been so that the wrong person ends up saying the right thing and the right person always ends up saying the wrong thing. Life is a tragedy and god is Shakespeare.
So being totally frank all I can say is that I am addicted to this drama that life is holding around me. I don’t like it but I know that life is no dull documentary. Every person who is special in my life will have problems and my own problems always run in the background and it is that camaraderie that we have with ourselves that will take us through all the drama thus leading us to a happy and new beginning. Feeling like I am full of life right now though I am sitting in a classroom forced to study due to my own laziness and lack of interest in the course that I am studying. I guess you just cant fulfill your heart’s desire and your grade card at the same time. So captain kullu ( I am starting to like this name) signing of into the horizon on a new journey with a lot of cargo and a lot hope.
Captain kullu. That’s what my beloved friends call me these days. And though I hate that name it always brings a smile on my face. The past few weeks were literally like being stuck in a reality s how with tons of drama and unnecessary emotions. A simple life is a luxury but one filled with drama is an addiction. A hailstorm that’s how I describe the time that I am going through. At first there was this wicked villain who has apparently become my mother’s best friend these days who kept calling me to his crummy office and lecturing me on how wrong my life is. Parents and villains is the most deadliest combination you will ever find. I’d rather pull all my teeth out than sit and listen to this bitter man bash everything that’s wrong with my generation. Such narrow mindedness and lack of ability to really appreciate the world really disappoints me. If only people could rise from their own narrow moulds and ideas and accept the beauty of the time we live in things would be so much better. At least I wouldn’t have to explain every tiny freaking detail of my life to my mother had it not been for this nosey villain. Every body has a mogambo in their life and mine is this arrogant man. I would love to just state my point but all that would land me is an F grade. The death of democracy I tell you… :P
Had villains and worried parents been my only problem I would have been a normal teenager barely surviving a course she is barely interested in (well I am that but more too) but then you have crummy friends who prove that every living moment its get harder and harder for you to hate them. They suck, they’re crummy and they cant do one thing right and that’s why I love having them around. Its really their imperfections and their inabilities that glorify their niceties and their awesomeness hence making them more and more irresistible. I guess that’s why its so easy for some of them to hurt me so easily. Frankly all their mistakes are rewarded with my own style of punishment… excessive drama on my part ( my imperfection) but when one of them really manages to hurt me where it hurts the most I am left as a crippled baby on the side. If you really hurt me I wont bother you rather I’d leave you alone and flee the moment I see you because looking at your face world remind me of the moment you so easily managed to hurt me. But if you stand a chance of quick forgiveness I will hang around and just wait for you to make that face or say the right thing and then surprise you with a bear hug (something I am really good at). Well the greatest friend at times do the most hurtful things. You can either forgive and when that becomes hard just blow their heads of with a gun
As for the hailstorm that I am going through. See a multi- distracted mind like my own cant just sit on a chair and study all day long ( unlike a roomy I cant name) so I tend to get attracted to doing things I am good at. Trying new things making new friends and being there for them. Working and making magic happen, using word (my only strength) to create pieces I can be proud of, dance music and madness are things that have always been my life’s fascination. And fascination is a hard emotion to overcome. I tried keeping a low profile, I tried not being so involved so that I could study (LOL) but sadly it didn’t work. I guess I need all this to keep myself occupied otherwise this mind of mine totally out of control just like me can create ideas and theories that at times terrify me. Thinking too much is a crime that’s what some one once told me and making my own world is dangerous. Well if I ever find that person I’d laugh at his face because I am amused by the ease with which he classified my mind and my thought into such a huge cliché. I am proud of my ability to think non stop and know things other people might take a lifetime to realize. And to all those who find it frustrating all I can advice is without trying, without knowing and without every experiencing the empowerment that having an opinion or an observation gifts you don’t just judge things in the narrow mould you have created. Open up or remain rigid. Then maybe one day you too might be an arrogant villain somewhere desperately trying to create a community of students whose parents you can be best friends with. Narrow mindedness is the biggest enemy of free thought. Hence I have involved myself with things and challenges that were once a part of my dreams. I cant comprehend why I had gotten into a shell afraid of my own high hopes. I guess fear of failure was a dominating factor but I never realized that this fear made me a lesser version of myself. So now I come out all guns blazing. I am not stopping myself. Well I have. When you have the kind of villains I have doing everything can become a little tough. But ultimately I am not someone you can tame so I still do the same things I used too maybe even more but now with an ambition in mind. And these new endeavors have led me to finding new people thus broadening my own opinion on a lot of things and surprisingly has initiated so many new friendships that the pain I had from old ones slowly is slipping into some corner of my heart. Ultimately the one’s who were genuine are still a major part of my life and the rest are just people I am hanging on too with dear life. But one day my grip will slip and when that happens I wont be the one in loss.
In the end it surprises me that I can find strangers or acquaintances who understand things or show emotions that I need to hear on some days that are bad. I guess god has a special way of letting you hear what you want but god might be a sadist somewhere because its always been so that the wrong person ends up saying the right thing and the right person always ends up saying the wrong thing. Life is a tragedy and god is Shakespeare.
So being totally frank all I can say is that I am addicted to this drama that life is holding around me. I don’t like it but I know that life is no dull documentary. Every person who is special in my life will have problems and my own problems always run in the background and it is that camaraderie that we have with ourselves that will take us through all the drama thus leading us to a happy and new beginning. Feeling like I am full of life right now though I am sitting in a classroom forced to study due to my own laziness and lack of interest in the course that I am studying. I guess you just cant fulfill your heart’s desire and your grade card at the same time. So captain kullu ( I am starting to like this name) signing of into the horizon on a new journey with a lot of cargo and a lot hope.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
exams...
three days- five exams and a trunk load of superhuman effort to manage a passing grade in these terribly frustrating subjects and finally it ended today. examination to me has always been a war. a war where hunger sleep thirst and normality are luxuries that you just cant afford. of course the normal symptoms do show during this difficult time. i make promises to myself to remain regular in class and my studies. also preparing for an exam is like a mind wandering fest. the best ideas and the worst ideas and also the weirdest ones attack my brain when i have to sit with one book and study that subject the entire day. moreover this battle called exams is a lone war and all you can do is helplessly stare at the titans who worked harder or simply were not as lazy as you. but during this frustrating time period i discovered a wonderful side to life. its a shot in the dark but i had the best time preparing for these insems. the output might not change and i might bomb in the exams as i usually do but this time i tried and more importantly i had a wonderful friend by my side.
misery loves partners. and adversity unites the worst of enemies. and she is the best of my friends. we had fun all the time while studying together and combined our brains worked faster. i guess its what is called an experience of a successful partnership. friendship has always been a perplexing relationship. you never know how genuine it really is until life screws you over and you are left hopeless and helpless. every relationship you hold has a different level to it. however moving aside from the usual emotional stuff i noticed that having someone around who is almost as screwed up as you helps. its a very sadistic thought but drowning alone hurts more than drowning with an entire crew ;)...
aah... but independence has its own taste. after tough times nothingness and uselessness seem like heavenly luxuries that you get to indulge in. of course the daily rut will start again soon and we will again become factory churned robots struggling with the perfections that the world demands and fighting with our own imperfections . sometimes this rut really frustrates me. i want to be able to do whatever i want whenever i want and that feeling is growing stronger with the rut that my life is becoming. first year in college was an experience of a lifetime. liberation and utltimate freedom however that did shake my core as i had become reckless and irresponisible (a very dangerous side effect of unquestioned freedom) but now life is getting back on track and a lot of things that seemed amazing once are becoming insignificant now. but that fear still lives in me. i dont want a rut but i do want a simple life. i want to be able to see the world and yet come back home and have dinner with my family and friends. i want to have all the relationships that make life special but i do not want to loose myself. its frustrating to think that its always the choice that you make that determines the way your life is going to be leaving you helpless with just one thought- when will it get easy?
i guess it never does and i believe it never should. life is really a journey and no philosophical intent shown here but i must say every little struggle that i go through changes me and yet strengthens the person inside that i have kept alive. well the taste of freedom is still intoxicating but responsibility calls and its just something that you have to do.... :)
misery loves partners. and adversity unites the worst of enemies. and she is the best of my friends. we had fun all the time while studying together and combined our brains worked faster. i guess its what is called an experience of a successful partnership. friendship has always been a perplexing relationship. you never know how genuine it really is until life screws you over and you are left hopeless and helpless. every relationship you hold has a different level to it. however moving aside from the usual emotional stuff i noticed that having someone around who is almost as screwed up as you helps. its a very sadistic thought but drowning alone hurts more than drowning with an entire crew ;)...
aah... but independence has its own taste. after tough times nothingness and uselessness seem like heavenly luxuries that you get to indulge in. of course the daily rut will start again soon and we will again become factory churned robots struggling with the perfections that the world demands and fighting with our own imperfections . sometimes this rut really frustrates me. i want to be able to do whatever i want whenever i want and that feeling is growing stronger with the rut that my life is becoming. first year in college was an experience of a lifetime. liberation and utltimate freedom however that did shake my core as i had become reckless and irresponisible (a very dangerous side effect of unquestioned freedom) but now life is getting back on track and a lot of things that seemed amazing once are becoming insignificant now. but that fear still lives in me. i dont want a rut but i do want a simple life. i want to be able to see the world and yet come back home and have dinner with my family and friends. i want to have all the relationships that make life special but i do not want to loose myself. its frustrating to think that its always the choice that you make that determines the way your life is going to be leaving you helpless with just one thought- when will it get easy?
i guess it never does and i believe it never should. life is really a journey and no philosophical intent shown here but i must say every little struggle that i go through changes me and yet strengthens the person inside that i have kept alive. well the taste of freedom is still intoxicating but responsibility calls and its just something that you have to do.... :)
Saturday, August 29, 2009
romance, monsoon and insems
i am the kind of person who has always been afraid of romance. though am a hardcore romantic ( of the hopeless breed) yet the idea terrifies me. and what worse is feeling romantic during exam time. when subjects like algebra, electromagnetic theory and computer organization are on your head sucking all your youthfulness, freedom and will to live like leeches being romantic becomes somewhat of a luxury that you cant afford. and when you have only fantasies to be romantic in it becomes kind of a pain.
a person who enjoys the crooning of pink, metallica, coldplay and a little bit of red hot chili peppers and children of bodon when begins to enjoy mushy romantic songs there is some weird chemical locha going on. hormones and love are too confusing for someone like me to decode. i freaked out the day i heard all the romantic songs my buddy amory sings all day long. it was scary. and every moment if your head is wrapped around that mysterious non existent stranger you know god will never make ( read the perfect man) you are tend to be weird all day long. so even i scaled new heights of weirdness. i guess its just a deadly combo of emotions and lack of preparation for the deadly in-sems that lead me to listening to bollywood love songs and then bhangra pop. i heard sonu nigam, crush, pehla nasha, love hurts, love story and daler mehandi all in the same day. music has a weird way of creeping into your head and making you crazier then ever.
plus god seems to be enjoying my turmoil these days. monsoon is the season of many flavours. and by flavours i mean you get to see a lot if you really observe. and monsoon just livens me up. makes me feel alive and makes me want to celebrate all day long. with the rains tempting me just outside my room window sitting and studying boring concepts is third degree torture. at the same time if your mind constantly wanders off to romance. when you are surrounded by people who have that 'i m in love expression on their face all day long. and every time you leave your room to attend nature's call and see that every corner is occupied by either your labbie or your roomie or you buddies roomie all on the phone with their 'ahem ahems' all you can do is either raise an eyebrow indicating disinterest and amusement or you can curse your own bad luck of meeting probably the worst of the breed of men. guess life is just like that. but monsoon, romance rather pining for romance and in sems is a deadly combination. almost threatening to your mental stability.
god is weird, love is weird, professors are weird and so is this whole god damned world. boys are weird especially the kind who have no 'ahem ahems' of their own. someone rightly said- " all good men are either married or gay! " but apart from this romantic mental disease that i have been suffering from the past few days i have reached a little observation of my own. when your insems are just a few days away you and its raining outside and your sitting forcibly in your room with all your books in your hands and you start wondering how amazing you'd feel only if you could talk to some 'ahem ahem' of your own...slap yourself as hard as you can and start thinking of that professor you hate so much. at least its a temporary solution to that dangerous pine for love...
LOVE is too dangerous and the idea of love even more threatening to sanity....
a person who enjoys the crooning of pink, metallica, coldplay and a little bit of red hot chili peppers and children of bodon when begins to enjoy mushy romantic songs there is some weird chemical locha going on. hormones and love are too confusing for someone like me to decode. i freaked out the day i heard all the romantic songs my buddy amory sings all day long. it was scary. and every moment if your head is wrapped around that mysterious non existent stranger you know god will never make ( read the perfect man) you are tend to be weird all day long. so even i scaled new heights of weirdness. i guess its just a deadly combo of emotions and lack of preparation for the deadly in-sems that lead me to listening to bollywood love songs and then bhangra pop. i heard sonu nigam, crush, pehla nasha, love hurts, love story and daler mehandi all in the same day. music has a weird way of creeping into your head and making you crazier then ever.
plus god seems to be enjoying my turmoil these days. monsoon is the season of many flavours. and by flavours i mean you get to see a lot if you really observe. and monsoon just livens me up. makes me feel alive and makes me want to celebrate all day long. with the rains tempting me just outside my room window sitting and studying boring concepts is third degree torture. at the same time if your mind constantly wanders off to romance. when you are surrounded by people who have that 'i m in love expression on their face all day long. and every time you leave your room to attend nature's call and see that every corner is occupied by either your labbie or your roomie or you buddies roomie all on the phone with their 'ahem ahems' all you can do is either raise an eyebrow indicating disinterest and amusement or you can curse your own bad luck of meeting probably the worst of the breed of men. guess life is just like that. but monsoon, romance rather pining for romance and in sems is a deadly combination. almost threatening to your mental stability.
god is weird, love is weird, professors are weird and so is this whole god damned world. boys are weird especially the kind who have no 'ahem ahems' of their own. someone rightly said- " all good men are either married or gay! " but apart from this romantic mental disease that i have been suffering from the past few days i have reached a little observation of my own. when your insems are just a few days away you and its raining outside and your sitting forcibly in your room with all your books in your hands and you start wondering how amazing you'd feel only if you could talk to some 'ahem ahem' of your own...slap yourself as hard as you can and start thinking of that professor you hate so much. at least its a temporary solution to that dangerous pine for love...
LOVE is too dangerous and the idea of love even more threatening to sanity....
Saturday, August 1, 2009
aaarrrggghhhhh
“You only understand things when you go through them”, that’s what a friend told me once when I had nagged her on being stupid about so many things like boys and love and her insecurity. What I never realized was that I couldn’t possibly ever have a say in how rational her feelings were or weren’t. because rationality though appealing isn’t easy. Today or these past few days what I thought I would be I am but everything else around me is changing.
The summer break had been a welcome break from the hectic college life. The emotions, the drama, the underlying currents and clashes of egos, argument and hidden feelings some my own some belonging to others had taken a toll on me. I literally felt frustration of the greatest degree possible in the end of the second semester. Because my first year here at DAIICT had exposed me to so much I never had experienced. Jealousy, insecurity and loneliness. I have lived alone before but never felt this kind of loneliness. All I ever have to do is hide behind my smile. While it proves to be a very handy trait and talent it leaves me craving for some kind of outlet for my feelings. Hiding what you feel isn’t easy and somehow I am convinced that sharing everything leaves you exposed and vulnerable. I tried being open with what I felt and all I experienced was more insecurity and vulnerability. It was great at the beginning. I was opening up and sharing ideas and feelings I had only kept isolated to the walls of my mind. It felt great to have someone to talk to all the time and to share with. For once I was actually loathing the privacy and the loneliness I had grown so accustomed to. But then something happened. Even I am not sure what it exactly is. I was drowning in this pool of vulnerability. I fell into a labirynth of these non existent signs that led me on to believe that soul mates exist. But I was foolish. Foolish to believe so much and still foolish as I harbour the very hope. I feel maybe I will find a soul mate one day. But believe me the idea is very intoxicating and I feel that the mind really plays with you. Such is the strength of this hope of having that one special companion that you are willing to lower your own standards, give in to silly emotions and just be blinded by the obvious truth. Such is the addiction of having someone to share your life with. But when it ends it hurts like hell.
Within three months a whole lot changed. he has changed and I am left marooned on this lonely island where I just cant understand anything. I miss my friend. I miss talking to him. I miss having him around and just casually chatting with him about stupid inconsequential things. I miss having a laugh with him, I miss spending time with him and I miss having heated arguments with him. He has changed but I havent and maybe I am being too irrational but as I said rationality has got nothing to do with the way you feel. These days I feel lost. As if I am walking with a mask on my face. To the world I am cheerful, happy and always celebrating. Most of the time I am but deep down inside there is a void. A sense of longing for that one friend. For that someone with whom I wouldn’t feel any insecurity or any kind of vulnerability.
His change wouldn’t have affected me so much had he not cracked the outer shell I have so strengthened for so many years. But he did manage to reach the brim of my soul and so it hurts even more to have that taken away. I am still confused, I wonder whether my head played games with me and convinced me that maybe he was that soul mate I so wanted for so long or can I just not accept my sceptism that I am incapable of ever finding someone who has the patience to deal with all my irrationalities. There are so many layers to myself. Some I am proud of and some I am not so proud of. And I really feel that I can be a handful or even more sometimes. But am I wrong to expect that someone would find that patience to deal with me. I am very proud of the person I am and I try to be a better person every single day. it’s a struggle I have faced alone. I hate this craving for having a hand to hold or having a shoulder to just lay my head on. Its so demeaning to feel the need for someone. Its against the ideas I have grown up with of being strong enough to not only take care of not only yourself but also the one’s you love. I guess its that word love that is so damn confusing. Most of the time I convince myself that love is just a luxury for the faint hearted but when you actually get to see real love you feel insignificant.
I wonder how someone can change so drastically. Its very unfair. I feel so hurt when I see this new version of him. Something has changed. and then I again wonder whether I should take this as a lesson of life and never ever trust anyone or share with anyone what thoughts I consider to be an integral part of myself and just become another masked machine that carries on with life without showing any emotion or compassion. You are brought up with ideals that tell you to be the best version of yourself but the entire world rather the real world loathes for it. Changing myself was never an option but changing the world is something I strive to do. But despite all logic all reason and all rationalities feelings can alter your thought and your life. Its scary…just too scary…
The summer break had been a welcome break from the hectic college life. The emotions, the drama, the underlying currents and clashes of egos, argument and hidden feelings some my own some belonging to others had taken a toll on me. I literally felt frustration of the greatest degree possible in the end of the second semester. Because my first year here at DAIICT had exposed me to so much I never had experienced. Jealousy, insecurity and loneliness. I have lived alone before but never felt this kind of loneliness. All I ever have to do is hide behind my smile. While it proves to be a very handy trait and talent it leaves me craving for some kind of outlet for my feelings. Hiding what you feel isn’t easy and somehow I am convinced that sharing everything leaves you exposed and vulnerable. I tried being open with what I felt and all I experienced was more insecurity and vulnerability. It was great at the beginning. I was opening up and sharing ideas and feelings I had only kept isolated to the walls of my mind. It felt great to have someone to talk to all the time and to share with. For once I was actually loathing the privacy and the loneliness I had grown so accustomed to. But then something happened. Even I am not sure what it exactly is. I was drowning in this pool of vulnerability. I fell into a labirynth of these non existent signs that led me on to believe that soul mates exist. But I was foolish. Foolish to believe so much and still foolish as I harbour the very hope. I feel maybe I will find a soul mate one day. But believe me the idea is very intoxicating and I feel that the mind really plays with you. Such is the strength of this hope of having that one special companion that you are willing to lower your own standards, give in to silly emotions and just be blinded by the obvious truth. Such is the addiction of having someone to share your life with. But when it ends it hurts like hell.
Within three months a whole lot changed. he has changed and I am left marooned on this lonely island where I just cant understand anything. I miss my friend. I miss talking to him. I miss having him around and just casually chatting with him about stupid inconsequential things. I miss having a laugh with him, I miss spending time with him and I miss having heated arguments with him. He has changed but I havent and maybe I am being too irrational but as I said rationality has got nothing to do with the way you feel. These days I feel lost. As if I am walking with a mask on my face. To the world I am cheerful, happy and always celebrating. Most of the time I am but deep down inside there is a void. A sense of longing for that one friend. For that someone with whom I wouldn’t feel any insecurity or any kind of vulnerability.
His change wouldn’t have affected me so much had he not cracked the outer shell I have so strengthened for so many years. But he did manage to reach the brim of my soul and so it hurts even more to have that taken away. I am still confused, I wonder whether my head played games with me and convinced me that maybe he was that soul mate I so wanted for so long or can I just not accept my sceptism that I am incapable of ever finding someone who has the patience to deal with all my irrationalities. There are so many layers to myself. Some I am proud of and some I am not so proud of. And I really feel that I can be a handful or even more sometimes. But am I wrong to expect that someone would find that patience to deal with me. I am very proud of the person I am and I try to be a better person every single day. it’s a struggle I have faced alone. I hate this craving for having a hand to hold or having a shoulder to just lay my head on. Its so demeaning to feel the need for someone. Its against the ideas I have grown up with of being strong enough to not only take care of not only yourself but also the one’s you love. I guess its that word love that is so damn confusing. Most of the time I convince myself that love is just a luxury for the faint hearted but when you actually get to see real love you feel insignificant.
I wonder how someone can change so drastically. Its very unfair. I feel so hurt when I see this new version of him. Something has changed. and then I again wonder whether I should take this as a lesson of life and never ever trust anyone or share with anyone what thoughts I consider to be an integral part of myself and just become another masked machine that carries on with life without showing any emotion or compassion. You are brought up with ideals that tell you to be the best version of yourself but the entire world rather the real world loathes for it. Changing myself was never an option but changing the world is something I strive to do. But despite all logic all reason and all rationalities feelings can alter your thought and your life. Its scary…just too scary…
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)