Something inside.

I did it today! I did what I shouldn’t have done, what I shouldn’t have said and what I shouldn’t have thought. The priest told me envy is a sin. The priest told me lying is a sin. The priest told me lust is a sin. Still I did it. And today I suffer from the consequence of my own darkness. I loved a man I shouldn’t have and mistook his lust for love. I lied to the world about him and today I bare the consequence of that lie. I trusted the wrong woman and today I stand betrayed, alone and angry.

The priest told me to control my anger and take the misfortunate incidents of my life punishment for the sins that I have committed and as a true Christian I bore it all in silence. And then it happened today. That final burst of anger, of an emotion so deeply repressed that it exploded. I saw him and I saw her and I saw them and all I could think of was the wrong that had been done. My mind refused to accept it as the punishment for my sin. I stood there feeble and weak as if I couldn’t do anything to punish the monsters that had ruined my life. I wanted to make them suffer; make them pay for the illness they had spread in my life.

Love is sincere and beautiful. Friendship is honest and faithful. Trust is binding and liberating. Things the priest had taught me at every Sunday mass. I hadn’t just learned them I had lived them. A moral life of a true Christian. I had followed the testaments of Christ to every word. Life was perfect. Prayer was my only job. A life that just wasn’t wrong. The priest then told us about love and marriage. The day I learned about love I wanted to love a man and have a beautiful marriage. The only marriage that I had known as a young imp was that of the lousy neighbours who fought all day long and threw things. I always thought marriage was a war. But the priest told me marriage is holy. And I wanted everything holy in my life. So I wanted love and I found a man who wanted love. And I gave him my love, but he only took what he really needed and did not find in me what he wanted. I couldn’t even blame him. The church forbade it. He wasn’t wrong. At least that is what I believed. I let him go. You had to, as my very wise spinster aunt told me that if you really love someone you must let them go. If they come back they are true else it was never meant to be, it was god’s will. So I let him go and he left. Never came back. I cried tears of sorrow without the world’s knowledge. The priest only knew. He was bound to. Confessions was the only Christian way to come clean.

Lost love I found solace in a friend. A friend who had been wronged by a lot of people and misunderstood by everyone.  She was very different from the church. A person unique and unreal. I saw some sense of sincerity and understood her darkness. Judging her wasn’t my job it was the holy God’s. She taught me a lot and I stood by her. She helped me move on. Move far ahead and she always told me to stand up and fight. Forget the man who left me and embrace the options I had. She ridiculed the church. Showed me a side to them I never saw before. Showed me how wrong they were or how wrong she thought they were. I was too lost to comprehend anything. Trust was the only thing I could bestow on her and trust is all I had to offer. And trust is what I lost in the transition.

With her being dark was easy. With her being bad was easy but being with her wasn’t easy. And the fruit of my stupidity is what I bear today. I am ousted from the church I once was loved in and she stands on the holiest pedestal there could ever have been given. As an outsider I try to remember what a true Christian should do. I must wait for god’s justice and wait is what I did. Patiently I stood outside the church everyday hoping to find that justice, to find that solace and to find the peace that I deserved. But I had none. But I got none. The man I loved didn’t love me back. The friend I trusted took my biggest secret and my good faith and turned me into a laughing stock an ostracized joke. She told the church that I had committed the ultimate sin. Of loving another man. You see Christ doesn’t accept one man’s love for another. My hidden repressed feelings were what betrayed me. My moment of passion was what destroyed me. I was a simple honest to heart Christian who loved Christ and did everything Christian. My only mistake was to find love in another man, engage in homosexuality the ultimate sin. My other mistake was to trust a sweet honest woman with my secret. Let her know my darkest secret. Her ridicule of the church convinced me that my sin was love. She twisted my reality and exposed me to win back stature in the church and I was thrown out like a useless life form.

So I did it today. I took my father’s old gun determined to make those pay for the sins they did. I went and stood outside the church on a Sunday morning. I knew they both would be there. Pretending to pray, pretending to love Christ and basking in the glory they got at my cost. I stood outside the church to fire those bullets that would set me free forever. The gates opened and my hand fastened on the trigger. As I saw them walk out I pulled the trigger.

When a bullet is fired it can pierce through anything. The first one pierced through my heart. The second through my head. And I saw those two sinister people gape at my dying body. They deserved the guilt. They deserved the pain. And I needed the liberation. I am flying into heaven now. Where my Christ will decide my destiny, my eternity. After all I was a true Christian.