Something inside.

I did it today! I did what I shouldn’t have done, what I shouldn’t have said and what I shouldn’t have thought. The priest told me envy is a sin. The priest told me lying is a sin. The priest told me lust is a sin. Still I did it. And today I suffer from the consequence of my own darkness. I loved a man I shouldn’t have and mistook his lust for love. I lied to the world about him and today I bare the consequence of that lie. I trusted the wrong woman and today I stand betrayed, alone and angry.

The priest told me to control my anger and take the misfortunate incidents of my life punishment for the sins that I have committed and as a true Christian I bore it all in silence. And then it happened today. That final burst of anger, of an emotion so deeply repressed that it exploded. I saw him and I saw her and I saw them and all I could think of was the wrong that had been done. My mind refused to accept it as the punishment for my sin. I stood there feeble and weak as if I couldn’t do anything to punish the monsters that had ruined my life. I wanted to make them suffer; make them pay for the illness they had spread in my life.

Love is sincere and beautiful. Friendship is honest and faithful. Trust is binding and liberating. Things the priest had taught me at every Sunday mass. I hadn’t just learned them I had lived them. A moral life of a true Christian. I had followed the testaments of Christ to every word. Life was perfect. Prayer was my only job. A life that just wasn’t wrong. The priest then told us about love and marriage. The day I learned about love I wanted to love a man and have a beautiful marriage. The only marriage that I had known as a young imp was that of the lousy neighbours who fought all day long and threw things. I always thought marriage was a war. But the priest told me marriage is holy. And I wanted everything holy in my life. So I wanted love and I found a man who wanted love. And I gave him my love, but he only took what he really needed and did not find in me what he wanted. I couldn’t even blame him. The church forbade it. He wasn’t wrong. At least that is what I believed. I let him go. You had to, as my very wise spinster aunt told me that if you really love someone you must let them go. If they come back they are true else it was never meant to be, it was god’s will. So I let him go and he left. Never came back. I cried tears of sorrow without the world’s knowledge. The priest only knew. He was bound to. Confessions was the only Christian way to come clean.

Lost love I found solace in a friend. A friend who had been wronged by a lot of people and misunderstood by everyone.  She was very different from the church. A person unique and unreal. I saw some sense of sincerity and understood her darkness. Judging her wasn’t my job it was the holy God’s. She taught me a lot and I stood by her. She helped me move on. Move far ahead and she always told me to stand up and fight. Forget the man who left me and embrace the options I had. She ridiculed the church. Showed me a side to them I never saw before. Showed me how wrong they were or how wrong she thought they were. I was too lost to comprehend anything. Trust was the only thing I could bestow on her and trust is all I had to offer. And trust is what I lost in the transition.

With her being dark was easy. With her being bad was easy but being with her wasn’t easy. And the fruit of my stupidity is what I bear today. I am ousted from the church I once was loved in and she stands on the holiest pedestal there could ever have been given. As an outsider I try to remember what a true Christian should do. I must wait for god’s justice and wait is what I did. Patiently I stood outside the church everyday hoping to find that justice, to find that solace and to find the peace that I deserved. But I had none. But I got none. The man I loved didn’t love me back. The friend I trusted took my biggest secret and my good faith and turned me into a laughing stock an ostracized joke. She told the church that I had committed the ultimate sin. Of loving another man. You see Christ doesn’t accept one man’s love for another. My hidden repressed feelings were what betrayed me. My moment of passion was what destroyed me. I was a simple honest to heart Christian who loved Christ and did everything Christian. My only mistake was to find love in another man, engage in homosexuality the ultimate sin. My other mistake was to trust a sweet honest woman with my secret. Let her know my darkest secret. Her ridicule of the church convinced me that my sin was love. She twisted my reality and exposed me to win back stature in the church and I was thrown out like a useless life form.

So I did it today. I took my father’s old gun determined to make those pay for the sins they did. I went and stood outside the church on a Sunday morning. I knew they both would be there. Pretending to pray, pretending to love Christ and basking in the glory they got at my cost. I stood outside the church to fire those bullets that would set me free forever. The gates opened and my hand fastened on the trigger. As I saw them walk out I pulled the trigger.

When a bullet is fired it can pierce through anything. The first one pierced through my heart. The second through my head. And I saw those two sinister people gape at my dying body. They deserved the guilt. They deserved the pain. And I needed the liberation. I am flying into heaven now. Where my Christ will decide my destiny, my eternity. After all I was a true Christian.

Escapade

I stood on the outskirts. It had been a long day and the herd stopped to rest. They surrounded the pond and hogged down the cool water. I had had my sip and lurked on the edges of our marked territory. We were going to settle her for the next few sun sets. While the leaders discussed the future of the herd, the followers looked at them with monotonous eyes. Nothing out of the ordinary.

A young leader was rebelling against the aged ones; the minister was intervening with the leader’s wishes. They were all agitated and prepared to fight. I had been a part of it all not so long back and now as I looked at them squabbling over petty issues to assert their dominance I felt my food rise up my throat. I looked around my not so special herd. We were all slaves of one another, slaves of the rut that we were forced into. As a young one my folks told me that to survive I must fall in line as the entire herd did. We survive because we follow each other. I was never the kind to follow suit. I was different but they changed me to become one of them. The only way to fit in was to be normal. Was to be enslaved. It wasn’t a cruel life. Much better than the kind of life ill fated rebels had received. Imprisonment by the humans, being murdered by a stronger predator and worst of all being caged. At least I had a secure survival. I had food, water, shelter and a future to look forward too but I swear the open meadow that I stared at looked so tempting. When you have the gift of speed in your bloods merely standing still just doesn’t work.

It was a moment’s glimpse that caught my eye. As I looked around the boundary of our occupation I caught a glimpse of the beautiful meadow right ahead. Right as I was about to stare into its beauty I heard screams. As I turned I saw a fight breaking out between the old leader and the new one. They argued and fought as they always did. And I had to go forward to calm them down. It was my job. Unsuccessful, I managed to be thrown off. Giving up I went back to my spot. As I looked back at the open space the meadow beyond me felt a tingle in my nerves. It was beautiful. An open ground with a never ending horizon to run after and the element of not knowing what lay ahead. I felt a jolt I hadn’t before but I couldn’t leave. Leaving meant rebellion and rebels were never treated right.

Yet that meadow looked so beautiful, the grass honestly seemed greener and the fresh air was just too irresistible. But every eye of the herd was on me. They never understood me. I was the weird one. They never understood my musings about freedom. I could see right through each and every one of them.  How each of them had compromised so much to fit in that they resembled each other in more ways than one. And they considered me an outcast who was too foolish to understand that to survive you either becomes the alpha or you follow the alpha. And the alpha was no leader himself but was a slave of the herd. It was suffocating to pretend to be ordinary when every bone in my body wanted to rebel. Was I too afraid? Or was I just bound? I didn’t know. This life that I had chosen was the only life I had ever known. Our herd frowned upon rebellion and called it a sin. But why would they consider freedom to be a sin. I wanted to run away yet my legs felt heavy as if they’d been bolted to the ground beneath me. I was stuck in this herd with no friends. None of them understood me. None could be trusted. Each of them had their own regrets that they reflected unto others. The greedy ones only wanted power and food. The selfish ones took what they needed. The holy ones were above everything else and were engrossed in their own world. The foolish one’s played into the hands of the greedy and selfish ones. The sincere ones never got their dues yet kept working unquestionably. The alpha men treated everyone else like dirt and everyone was an alpha to someone else. The lowest of them all were the returned rebels- the ones who had failed to find freedom or survived from a misfortune and had to return to the herd. They were treated like dirt. Everyone saw them as the black sheep. No one respected their will to explore. As the day ended the herd began to rest. I was about to sleep when the minister approached me. I was appointed as the back guard which translated into a night watchman for the entire herd. The minister did babble on about how age had taken its toll on the alpha. When I refused to be a part of his petty politics he left disappointed. And I was left with no other alternative but to stand still and stay awake and alert. As time went by my visitors increased. One after the other followers of the young alpha came and hounded me with ill facts about the old alpha. Power struggles- they all have the same pattern. One contender who is too eager and too hungry and one contender who is too adamant. I heard them fuss about the sorry condition of the herd. I was dazed and my head began to hurt. With time their numbers decreased and I was left in my solitude. Silence never seemed better. The fresh cold air in my lungs made me feel alive. I felt that urge again to run. To run into the wilderness away from all of it. I was in a place where unknown darkness seemed more tempting that the well known life that I had.

In that moment, the temptation just overtook me. I ran! I ran away from the place where I had stood still for so long. I felt like God. I was running like I was meant too. The wind had to catch up with me. The sound of my hooves on the grass was music to my ears. I felt the air rush on my face. It tasted sweet, like the taste of freedom. I was in control; every turn I took was my own. I could feel the shackles breaking. I didn’t feel any burden no more all I could feel was liberation. I was free. Running wild like I was meant too and it felt real. It felt natural and most of all I felt elated. I ran and I ran into the wilderness unaware of what lay ahead. It was a chase and I was in pursuit of the horizon that never seemed to come closer. I was free and happy for the first time in my life. I felt like I had when I was younger when the word responsibility meant going back to mother at sunset and lying under her warm body and drifting off to sleep. I was free. As I kept running I realised that I had left herd behind. I knew I had to return in time. Yet the time I had now was mine. All mine.

-Shweta A. K.

Just another story

“It’s raining outside. Come on. Let’s go out!” she nudged him under the desk.

“No, we have to study. Two days and then exams! We can’t go out now!” he responded in a light whisper.

“Oh you are totally useless. Fine I’ll go alone you sit in this stinky library and study” she got up and left.

He saw her leave and followed her. Of course he wasn’t going to let her go out alone. As they walked out of the air conditioning into the world outside the rain looked beautiful. Heavy rains had the entire place drowned. She looked back at him and smiled. Satisfaction that he had followed overwhelmed her. Her smile as ever made him flutter a little. And giggling she ran out into the rain. Though they were outside the library, she acted as if she was in her own world. The raindrops felt like heaven. He walked behind her watching her every move. She swayed gracefully in the rain. Jumping on a puddle, singing in her non musical voice and running around like an excited five year old. He was lost in her giggles, lost in her beautiful smile only to be brought back by her awful singing.

He smiled at her and let his own self get wet drop by drop. She came back to where he stood and said,” you know whenever it rains like this I feel like I am watching the end of the world.”

He raised one eyebrow at her not knowing how to answer and shrugged. He was not the kind who talked much. She continued, “When it rains like this, you know, the whole cats and dogs analogy, don’t you ever wonder why? It’s like god wants to wipe the slate clean. Like all of it must finish today so that once all this stops a new world can be born again. Like a fresh new start. What do you think?”

He was puzzled. It was so like her to philosophise about everything. He sheepishly said, “I think it’s raining very heavily and it’s beautiful.”

“Hmmm...so you mean to say the end of the world is beautiful. Wow, that’s a different way to look at it. But when the world ends we’d be too terrified to look at the beauty of things. Wont we?”

He stared at her. Not knowing what to say. She was in her element talking about things that he never could comprehend. He let her babble on and saw her talk. The way the drops of water made her face sparkle fascinated him. He was in love with her and all he wanted to do was to make time stand still then and there. Love her forever. He always felt he never said it enough. He wanted to have a life with her. With her silliness, with her crazy talk and with all of her. He was never the kind who ever walked into a rainstorm. But he was out there. With her. Watching her dance, watching her jump. She wasn’t always that happy. She wasn’t always that alive. The rain brought it out in her.

He was so lost in his thought he failed to notice she had stopped talking. She was looking at him. He snapped out of his dream world with her and saw her looking back at him. She had a crooked smile on her face.

“You haven’t heard a word I have said have you!”

He nodded his head, “I paid attention till the world ended then I just lost interest.”

She laughed. He laughed. And then they were silent.

“I love you” he said.

She smiled. Took his hand in hers “you know I do too.”

“Say it then. It’s been so long since I heard you talk!”

She smiled at him again, “I love you”

“I miss hugging you, holding you in my arms and just brushing my hands through your hair” he said with a tear trickling his eye.

She looked at him with a pained expression on her face. “I come here only to meet you, you know that don’t you. I miss it too. But what can I do. I love you more than anything in this world but what can I do?”

He lifted his hand to brush her cheek, “it’s not the same you know.”

“I know!”

“What will I do? I can’t live like this!” he said.

She said, “You have to learn to live. You can’t keep holding on to me. I won’t come back!”

He said, “You said the same the last time. As soon as it rained you were here. I knew rain would always bring you back.”

“Stop it. What happened wasn’t supposed to happen. It was my fault. And now it’s done. You have to let go.”

“I can’t. I just can’t. When I see you like this I just want to love you forever.”

She had tears now and pleaded, “Stop it please. This is hard for me. I don’t come here to give you pain. I come here to see you. Every time is the last time. I can’t keep doing this forever. You need to move on. Why won’t you?”

“Because I really love you”

“Even now. Even after what I have done. I am such a fool. And you still do?”

“Yes I still do. And I can’t stop loving you ever.”

She looked at him, he looked at her and finally she said, “You have to learn to live without me. You know I am not true. You know I am not real. You know I am not here.”

“Yes you are. Yes you are real. I can feel you. I can see you. I can believe you.”

“That just you’re feeling taking over reality. I died. I am dead. And this is just your imagination. Don’t you remember that night?”

He said, “I don’t want to!”

“YOU MUST! We walked out of the library to walk. I wanted to go out. We were walking on the road. I got playful. It was dark. I shouldn’t have been fooling around on the road. That truck came. And...”

“No please stop! Stop!” he said.

She smiled, “I may be dead. But I still love you. Don’t torture yourself like this. Don’t go and sit in our old place where we used to sit in the library. Don’t pray for it to rain like it did that night. And don’t walk on that road to die the way I did. You must stop!”

“I won’t stay away from you...I love you...I will do whatever it takes.”

“I love you too...but you can’t do this everyday.........”

He broke down. And as he opened his eyes to look at her again she was gone. He was alone. Alone like he had been for the past so many years of his life. 

Smart India

There used to be a time in my life when I thought I am a part of the upcoming youth of India. That I am an example of how the young people of this country think and I would sit and wait for my turn. I would look myself in the mirror and say when I grow up I will be surrounded by people who are honest educated and socially aware just like me and I will build an army, an army of SMART INDIANS. Indians who are educated, and are not afraid to use their education, their intelligence to fight the evils that have crippled my country. And this army of young educated individuals would be invincible. I was pretty sure  about the fact that educated individuals can any day take on and defeat a bunch of illiterate politicians and gundas whose only power is might. I always thought that as a community, we could take over this country that we love so much.
And then I grew up. And I realized what really the youth means. It was just another bus ride that I was taking. As I stood in the midst of a variety of people and in the midst of a variety of smells, in the heat struggling to maintain balance and not fall on the weird guy who was sitting right behind me staring at me as if I was an alien, I realized something. What exactly do we mean when we say the youth? And what exactly is Young India? I mean you have the rich brats whose only obsession is getting the latest apple products and the not so rich brats who lust after them. You have your hopelessly poor youth whose daily battles for survival consume their entire life and often pressurize them to take up crime as a way of life. Or are we talking about the young people who we see washing our clothes or giving us chai at the Gallas and thellas we so love to hang out at. Or should I say that the young India is another IIT or some IT college mass produced engineer whose is looking forward to doing an MBA from abroad or IIM and go abroad or that doctor who topped PMT and is on the run to become a brilliant Doctor studying with another who got in through a hefty donation and through the ever popular NRI quota. And of course we have our roadside Romeos, the smart men who wear the latest Hindi film style clothes, ride on bikes around and believe in living life to the fullest, who painfully sigh at the tragedies that happen everyday but don’t let them interfere with ‘fun’. the metropolitan modern people with money and ambition or the small town hard working not so smart simple guy or the wannabe or the unfortunate or the irresponsible talented and it goes on and on. And then it hit me.
One thing about Indian bus drivers is their super ability to stop a vehicle as huge as a bus overcrowded way beyond the safety limit. Within seconds they can go from 60 to 0. And they get years of practice with nonchalant pedestrians who know they are immortal when they walk the roads and expect a huge bus to stop for them to cross the road instead of weight like a loser for the grand vehicle to pass. When that vehicle was stopped I did something I never thought I had it in me and I stopped myself from falling on the weird staring guy. I stood with a new found pride and smiled and then it hit me. As a youngster I didn’t know much about how life really is and how hard survival is and still India is thriving. Yes there are categories that each of us falls into and yes the Indian youth shows as much uselessness as the predecessors. But there is something different about the people today. They are growing to become fearless. And today when I think I believe that there are people who want to be free and independent. India is a country that nurtures hopes and dreams. Every man who travels in a bus hopes to drive a bike on the road one day. Every person who grew up as a chaiwalla works hard to give his children a better life. That hope to get better one day is what drives this nation. Yes there is corruption. Yes there are evils that would disgrace the devil. But there is also hope. There is a sense of getting a better life. Its more than survival. it’s the greed for a better life. And as my understanding grows with age and I see people around me I realize that everyone is fighting for something. And I realized education doest really give you the kind of encouragement that you really need to bring about a change. There are so many educated doctors and engineers I know who are a far cry from being civil or for that matter socially responsible. I still hold that dream of having an army of smart Indians but I don’t see only educated people. I see normal Indians who have not only fought and survived but have grown to get better lives.
I used to believe that the period of the revolution for independence was the best time for an Indian to be born. To live with the feeling of fighting for something you deserve- independence. To be surrounded by architects of society who believed in virtues like honestly, simplicity and peace. To live in a world where every Indian had a common enemy- a white fascist gora. And most of all to live with the feeling that you are ready to die for the land you live in always swelled me up with pride. And today I understand that apart from the hunger of freedom it was their greed to make things better that made them fight the mighty British and defeat them. I see that hunger today. And its never black or white as it used to be when I was young. Its become grey.
So smart Indians is a possibility but a possibility with very different members that I had expected to be. I mean wouldn’t you want that chaiwalla who fought strong and hard to give his son the best education and make him an engineer or the woman who refused to beg and worked as a labourer and even as a prostitute to protect her family and send her younger brother and sister off to college. Or that young engineer who worked hard in college and is working with the brightest minds abroad or that lawyer who chose to fight for the poor labourer who lost his hand in the factory or the young journalist who exposed how corruption is so rampant rather than sit on an expert panel and ‘discuss’ what should be done or wouldn’t you want the bright young man who studied hard for IAS so that he could change his village into a city. These are the people I see today as young SMART Indians. People who aren’t afraid to go out and make things better. Maybe for themselves or for someone else. You cant hold someone for wanting a better life. One day this feeling will become the public sentiment. One day we will say no to useless politicians who want to create divides in the name of regionalism, language, religion, caste. We will stabilize our self from a bad shock. Maybe get up or not fall at all when someone pulls on the break suddenly and we will smile and say “shut up! ” and take control in our own hands.


Shweta

BLIND

A city, a college and a career. Three things that define a lot more than any aptitude test can. As an impressionable modern young girl with a education career poses to be my only source that could help me sustain this life and more importantly this life style that I have grown accustomed to. Starting with the city I live in, I live in a simple city rather a mega city. it’s a fine cross between your run of the mill small towns with its own dash of modernity.  Gujarati at heart but dressed with Versace I am surrounded by people from all walks of life and all types of Guajarati. They are sweet with everyone, they have fun all the bloody time and they are smart when it comes to making money. And then there is my own background. A family full of professors, IAS officers, doctors and engineers and over expecting parents. They have big expectations and so do I. I love writing but I could never settle for a life that survives from paycheck to paycheck. And of course I am not the kind to shun away responsibility. So its tough to grow up in an environment where money is made and spent like the flow of a flooded river. Moreover morality poses a bigger dilemma than ever. Being brought up with values like sincerity, honesty, compassion and social responsibility doesn’t really prepare you for the world. It just kind of builds a character that you end up protecting and fighting, for the rest of your life.
Moreover college is your world. You have your peers, your friends who have dreams of their own, up bringing of their own and ideas of their own. Your ideas seem unreal in front of their more practical decisions. Your life seems more sketchy compared to their rich business nets to fall back on. Becoming an engineer was never a choice it was always the other alternative to medicine which I took fearing the intensity of studying medical demanded. And now that I am a proud Five point something Engineer in my third year I have the second biggest foot hold in my career glaring right into my eyes. And this time again I have two major choices- go corporate or go government. MBA or IAS.
Honestly being a topper in school is the worst fate a child can suffer. When you prove to your parents that you can win the battles they believe you can master the bigger wars. They brought me up with the belief that I could conquer the world if I wanted to and that I am destined too. And honestly this very belief scares the hell out of me. This entire deal with survival of the fittest. I envy the thinker of renaissance or the old poets and pundits that adorned the king’s court. They were treated like jewels as entertainers. Their work was appreciated and they lived an easy life. It is this easy life that we all fight for. Everyone wants to make it big and make life easy. The real reason for the shark fight out there. I can be romantic and talk about life as an artist who only lives to write. But romance is only as good as the three hour movie you watch. Once the romance fades reality hits you right in your front teeth. So now I am down to two choices ( my only choices)- either I can join the Indian Administrative Services and serve my country and gain access to power or I can gain the much coveted MBA degree from a venerable institute ( IIM or maybe abroad ) and become a big shot ceo in a company and earn in millions. I know I can do it. If I put my heart into it I can do it. As my dad makes me believe that I can rule the world. But these choices seem more like a rope around my neck. What do I pick? Do I go with that patriotism that I am struggling to keep alive within me or should I go for the comfort that I have grown so accustomed too. And I have seen great honest men turn into power hungry animals in a government that is meek internationally and a bully nationally.
All of us have heard the story of the unfortunate poor Indian who came in the way of the government. There are cover ups and there are conspiracies. The government is like the mafia with a license. Encounters, politically motivated murders and what not. Government kind of gives you ultimate security. And in turn you must give into the system. You can either get involved and alter your ways or you can stand as a distant by stander who never interferes- does his/her work and leaves. You take control and you have to control everything or be controlled.
And then there is corporate. You get to swim in money but that’s about it. You go against the very environment you want to protect. You cheat and bribe your own government. And you work like a dog so that you can live like a king. You are like the million others who pass out with you every day. You come up with thankless schemes for investment of money ( yours or someone else’s). and the only adventure your life has is the fluctuating market. You play with money. You win you earn loads. You loose someone looses a lot.
So it’s a choice between power and money. Two things you run after. Its like the decision you make is going to decide your position in the world. They talk about how miserable life gets and I somehow feel like a misfit. This choice is trouble. For someone who has no clue about life I feel like a blind person crossing a six lane highway on my own. Every step I take could take me to the safe side or could put right in front of a truck and then I am off the road.

A LITTLE SLIP_ PART5 THE END

All is well that ends well. I woke up a happy man. Honestly I hadn’t slept all night. I kept thinking about Sameera. I had never thought of her as someone I could be with. But her sudden proposal last night had left me stunned. I kept thinking about it. The entire night. I wanted to try it out. I wanted to know how it felt and most importantly I didn’t want to wake up 40 years later regretting not taking a chance. I was prepared to say yes to her. And since Sanjay hadn’t returned the entire night I got this feeling that something must have worked out. I was smiling. I was happy.  Gunjan was already awake by the time I was up. He seemed excited about something.

“Come on get ready. Everyone else is almost ready. I texted everyone to reach the car in 15 minutes. I found out about this awesome place. Some waterfall. And it looks like its going to rain soon. So get ready. Dude we have to go to this place!”

In half an hour we all were seated in my red Indica. Gunjan was driving. He had found some secluded water fall located on a hill close by. It was a twenty  minute ride. And it was the most awkward ride ever. Sameera looked beautiful that day. We kept giving one another smiles. And I felt weird. I mean she had been a friend till last night and now she was something more. Roshini and Sanjay hadn’t worked everything out. Roshini was mad at him for something. I had heard their bickering. Apparently roshini wanted to know something but Sanjay chose not to tell her. She told him to come clean and he didn’t want too.

No one talked except Gunjan. He kept talking about how he had found out about this place from a local. This was supposed to be a great spot. A place rarely visited by anyone. It was a rocky road but the ride was worth it. Once there I knew this would be the place where I’d take my chance. It was beautiful. It was a little higher than all the other waterfall’s we had been too. Rocky with pure clean water. We got out and went into the water. And it was beautiful. Sameera went near the edge of the water fall to have a view of what lay beneath. She called us all. Roshini and Sanjay chose to bicker more. Gunjan pretended to be busy with the camera and nudged me to go. I was nervous, excited and I knew what I had to say. I went up to her. And for a moment we stood there in silence staring at what lay ahead. From the edge you could see this beautiful waterfall curving and twisting through dense forests. It almost seemed like the water disappeared somewhere. Cold wind kept blowing in our faces and I could feel Sameera’s breath close to me. I turned to her and she turned to me. We stood face to face. Her eyes were staring straight into mine. I held her hand and told her what I had practiced in front of the mirror before coming here.

I said, “ Last night when you told me you loved me I was scared. I mean you are beautiful and I had no clue that your species could fall for a low life like me. I am not ready to commit yet. I don’t know if I love you. But I sure do know that I want to love you. I will do all that I can to keep you happy. But I am scared. I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to loose this friendship. And I don’t want you to ever suffer because of me. I am not really good at being a boyfriend. And I don’t think I can keep you happy!” before I could continue she stopped me.

She drew closer and looked straight into my eyes and said, “I don’t care. I know I love you. I am also taking a chance. Just trust yourself and give this a try. We will find a way to be happy together. I really mean it.”
Suddenly she was closer than she had ever been and I had seen enough movies to know that a kiss was coming my way. She was just an inch away when I heard a scream. We both turned in the direction where

Roshini and Sanjay stood. The scream was growing louder and louder. It was Roshini.

Roshini screamed, “ WHAT? And you blame yourself. How?”

And then she turned towards us. She was angry. I could see it in her eyes. She started walking towards us. Sanjay came after her pleading, “ Please Roshini don’t. Its all in the past now. Things are different. Forget it. Don’t do this.”

I was confused. I couldn’t understand what was going on. All this was getting too weird.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The officers were gone and Sanjay was gone. Roshini kept staring at Gunjan disapprovingly.
She said, “ You traitor! Couldn’t you keep your mouth shut! Because of you Sanjay is in trouble. How could you?”

Gunjan retorted, “ HOW COULD I? You have no right to ask me that. He died Roshini. He died and we sit here letting him die just like that. You have no conscience in you. I couldn’t take the guilt. And if Sanjay is behind bars then you very well no who is at fault here.”

 “Stop it. We all made a mistake. The murder was a mistake. But hiding it is a crime. Hiding the truth is a crime. I mean how can you sit there. When you know you did it. Your going to let another one of your friends take the blame for you and destroy their life too. And you have got some nerve. Your friends are protecting you. We did all this for you. Sanjay sacrificed himself for you. And you sit here like nothing is wrong. What are you? How can you have no guilt!” said the one who had made the anonymous call to the one who had actually committed the murder.

What these kids hadn’t noticed was that the man behind the glass was still observing them. And his eyes went wide when he saw what had just happened before him. His initial reluctance had been right. The murderer had still not confessed rather a friend had taken the blame. He ordered his men back in. It was time to do justice

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A fired up roshini came charging towards me. I was perplexed. She pushed me back and stood facing Sameera.

She was angry and shouted, “ YOU BITCH. HOW COULD YOU? You have got some nerve.”

Sameera was taken aback and she  retorted, “What the hell is wrong with you Roshini. Whats wrong?”

Sanjay and I stood between the two women. Roshini was angry, Sameera was confused and Sanjay was shaking with fear. Gunjan who was away from all the drama left his video camera on a rock and came rushing towards us.

Roshini screamed, “ I thought you were a nice girl. But all you do is use people. You knew from the start how I felt about Sanjay. You were my best friend. You were the one who told me that you saw love for him in my eyes and then you do this. You backstabbing bitch. I hate you. People like you deserve to die.”

Something dawned on Sameera. She shot a dirty look to Sanjay and looked back at Roshini. She spoke in a terrified voice, “ Roshini, that was a mistake. It happened long back. I am sorry. You know I never felt anything for him. I have been in love with Veer ever since I knew him. What happened with Sanjay was a mistake.

And then it hit me. The girl that sanjay had hooked up with was Sameera. And suddenly I could understand why he had hidden it from all of us especially Roshini. But it hit me worse than ever. This girl that I had started to like had a secret that changed a lot of things.

I interjected, “Sameera, you were that girl! You slept with Sanjay?”

Sameera was crestfallen. She didn’t know that I knew and she glared at Sanjay.

She wailed, “Haven’t you done enough. You took advantage of me and then I asked you to not let anyone know and what do you do? You go ahead and you tell my best friend and the boy I am in love with. If you want to destroy me Sanjay take a knife and stab me and let me die. How could you! You claimed you love me and then you do this! How could you?”

“Oh just shut up!”, said Roshini, “ you have got some nerve. You destroyed everything Sameera. What kind of a girl does such a thing. You deserve to be punished. You broke his heart. You used him. I know why you were so drunk that day. You had seen Veer flirting with some girl. You vented it all out to me. But I never thought you’d exploit sanjay. How could you. And worse of all you blame him. You knew he liked you. You knew he’d never say no to you. And still you went ahead and did it with him. And left him like a tissue paper. YOU used and threw him. You know what you are right you do deserve to be stabbed and killed. You are a filthy worthless piece of crap. He still blames himself. He cant say yes to me because he thinks he is a horrible guy. All because of you. You bitch!”

“Stop it!” said Sanjay.

And I was too shocked to understand anything. I couldn’t believe all that was going on. The sound of the waterfall was loud. Too many people were screaming and shouting around me. I just couldn’t hear anything. Sameera’s hands were on my face. She was crying. And she kept saying something. But it just didn’t matter. And then out of nowhere I heard Gunjan scream, “NO. Sanjay stop her. Are you crazy!” I didn’t understand what was happening. And out of nowhere I felt a horrible pain in my stomach. When I looked down my own blood was in my hands. And so blinding was the pain that I lost my balance and the last thing I remember were seeing the faces of my friends. Terror, pain, panic, fear and tears were what I remember. I was falling down that very water fall I had admired not long back. As I fell the only thing I could remember was my old man. He’d be disappointed. He had lost mom and I was all he had. He’d miss me. I’d miss him too.  I wish I hadn’t fallen. But I was and death was near.

I died that day. Murdered by my own friends. The one’s I wanted to be happy. I had brought them to resolve their own issues and had died a painful death in the process.
I saw my own body. I saw everything. I looked awesome when dead but I was dead and my spirit just lingered. I was with them when they planned to make my murder sound like an accident. I was with them when Sameera sneaked in to call the police. I saw my friends in the interrogation room. And I knew exactly what had happened that morning. And I stood their watching my own friends lie about everything.

As I stood behind the senior office looking at my friends through the glass window I could see that they had made mistakes. But I had paid for their mistakes. And I wanted justice.
That morning Roshini was enraged beyond her control. She had grabbed one of Gunjan’s beer bottles and smashed it across the rock. She took the broken glass in her hand and was charging for Sameera who stood right in front of me. Sanjay had managed to pull Sameera away but not me. And sweet little roshini, that one girl for whom I had done all of this stabbed me with that broken piece of glass. I could have survived had I not fallen. But I did fall. Before I could hope for a ray of life it just slipped out of my hand. I remember crying as I fell. It was a helpless feeling. A horrible feeling of being absolutely useless. You keep thinking of how you could have done things differently and survived but where I was all I could do was look at my death and wait for it to take me away.

Roshini sat in front of me. She was guilty but she was a coward. Sanjay had saved her because he thought he was responsible. And she sat there like a coward. Sameera unknowingly had given up her secret. Gunjan told her to come clean but she sat there silent and still.

And then the door to the room opened. Apte escorted a couple off women inspectors in who arrested Roshini. Apte sniggered and said, “ Roshini Bajaj, your under arrest for the murder of Veer Singh Chauhan.”
Sanjay was brought in as well and he kept pleading them to take him instead of her. And in front of my own eyes I saw my own friends struggle with their mistakes that had led to my murder. It was as if God was playing a joke on me. I had died due to a mistake two people I loved had made and I had died as a result of the biggest mistake my sweet little friend had made. My death was a big mistake that I hadn’t made.

Rage and envy are a dangerous combination that bring out the darkest of shades inside a human being. I died. And as I saw my murderer being taken away I felt a freedom. I knew it was time to go. Before I left I left with two memories that would always stay with me. The love I had seen in my old man’s eyes as I had left for college and the tears I saw in the eyes of all my friends as they had seen me die. My death had ruined their lives. Who knew a little slip could destroy your entire existence. Had I survived I would have told my children to always keep track of the little slips they ignore. It might just come back and haunt you. And that was how I was murdered.

THE END

By
Shweta A. Kulshreshtha

so the story is over....if you read it and enjoyed it please comment...your comments is appreciation for my work and i get encouraged reading them...and if u didnt like it let me know...i will work harder next time..
thanks for reading it till now... :)

A LITTLE SLIP_ PART4 confessions...confessions...

The ride back to the hotel was awkward. I kept quiet and so did Sanjay. Roshini and Gunjan kept teasing Sameera with some mystery guy. Apparently she had confessed something as well. Roshini had tried to taunt us to ask her what it was but none of us were in the mood. I felt bad for Sanjay. He kept staring blankly at the road ahead. I really wish he’d talk to Roshini once and put her out of her misery. I hope our talk had helped.
The only thing on my mind now was getting back. The day had been exhausting and I wanted to sleep. I straight away went to my room. As did Sanjay. Gunjan, Sameera and Roshini were having some session of their own.
       Now when your really tired and want to go to sleep you never straight away go to sleep. You do stupid things. Like switch on the tv. So the tv was on and I was just surfing through some nonsensical channels. I sat on my bed in my shorts (mankind‘s most amazing creation of course after the iphone). Sanjay had come to my room a while back.  He told me he decided to talk to Roshini. I was happy for him. She deserved it. And I just hoped she’d understand. It made me feel better. Like things would get better.

At around midnight, while I was still watching some dopey serial, there was a loud impatient knock on my door. I thought it would be Gunjan drunk out of his wits again. The man loved booze. He fantasized about drowning in beer. I went up to the door and opened it expecting a drunk Gunjan to fall on me. However a semi drunk Sameera fell on me. I was taken aback. I took her to the bed. She fell on it. And started giggling. I told her that she was in the wrong room and that I’d take her to her room and she started laughing again. I couldn’t understand. So I turned to get her some water. Before I knew it I felt her arms around me. I was baffled so I turned and Sameera was right under my nose. She had a weird look in her eyes. And she was looking hot. Well any girl whose right under your nose, pressed up against you transforms into a greek goddess. I didn’t understand what she was doing but I liked it.

She looked up and said, “ Veer, your so pretty!”

I was like WHAT? Apparently I too looked like a greek goddess to a semi drunk Sameera.

And she giggled a little and said, “ you know you look like a goof when you make that face. But I like your
goofy look. I have liked it since the first time you made me laugh at one of your corny jokes. I am tired of dropping hints. Its crazy. But I love you veer, I really do!”

Just like that she said it and left me speechless. Sameera, my friend Sameera, lecture giving hating my guts
Sameera, was telling me she loved me. I was in shock!

All I could manage was, “wh-wha- at? Are you serious or is this a joke?”

“Don’t make it more difficult than it already is. I have been into you since long. You and your nutty jokes and your cracks about your old man. Everything. I love it. I love the way you stick with Gunjan so that he‘s not alone in his foolishness. I love the way you always keep an eye on Roshini and Sanjay solving their fights and keeping them happy and I love the way you take care of me even though I am so horrible to you at times. I really really love you. I have never felt this way for a guy ever before in my life. And I just cant believe it that I’d fall for you. I love you. I do.”

I pushed her back. This was too much in too little time. Unwillingly my old man came back into my head. I know. A hot drunk girl is telling me she loves me and I am thinking of my old man. But his words just came to me. He’d always say this whenever he talked about mom. He’d say, “ you know what son? The day I realized your mom was far better than what I deserved I married her. Always remember whenever you find someone better than you, someone who loves you and cares for you in better ways than you can you should hold on to them and not let them go. Its almost like winning a lottery. You don’t tear the ticket you cash it in.”

I turned. I sat her down next to me and told her with as much sincerity as I could gather, the circulation to my brain had decreased after all but I managed. I told her, “ Sameera, your beautiful and amazing. But right now your drunk. I like you. I love you as a friend but I do like you. Let me take you back to your room and I promise we will talk about his tomorrow.”

Her eyes had drooped and she made that face that every girl uses whenever she wants something and doesn’t get it. She said in the sweetest voice ever, “at least tell me whether you’ll go out with me or not? Am I that bad kya?”

I smiled and took her soft face in my hands and told her, “ya I want to go out with you. I am lucky to have you. But your not in a state to talk right now!” She nodded and I dropped her off to her room.

What a day I had. On my way back I found Gujan passed out on the stairway so I brought him back to my room. He lay snoring on the bed and I went to the window overlooking the lawn. I saw a tiny Roshini resting her head on Sanjay’s shoulder. I just knew things would be all right tomorrow. I had saved a friend, saved a friendship, and I might have earned a hot girlfriend. And all this happened in one bloody day. Was I feeling lucky, like the luckiest man alive.

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The room was filled with shocked faces. Right in the centre was a tape that could alter their lives forever. Two policemen stood by the side observing the helplessness they were expecting from the group. The chief sat on the other side of the glass wall of the room. He had seen crimes in his days. This one didn’t baffle him at all. He knew they would nail the killer. Only they didn’t know which one to nail. Each of them had a motive. The murder weapon a broken bottle of beer had been used to stab the victim and could be lying in any of the junkyards in Lonavala. Though they had some evidence the case rested entirely on the confession of the criminal. The cold blooded murderer. The last day’s tape had been the major leap  in the case.
This group might have looked foolish but they weren’t a sloppy lot. They had wisely reported the entire incident  as an ‘accident’. Had the body remained misplaced the police would have dismissed the case. But it was that anonymous call. Maybe someone with a conscience from the group or a silent witness who had seen the crime. That phone call made them investigate. The threat of the media getting involved added their pressure. But they were close. Just one confession. And game.

On the other side of the wall one mind was running violently. That one mind had protected a dark dark secret. They were all ashamed. Ashamed of the things that they had done in those last couple of moments. A man was dead and one of them was responsible. They had not only protected a criminal but let some one die. But silence was all that could save them. He had seen it all. They all had. It was his idea to dispose the murder weapon into a pile of broken glass bottles. He decided to make this look like an accident because the discovery of the body seemed highly unlikely. And without a first hand witness account the police would not be able to prove anything. He narrated the incident over and over to his bunch of friends and made them memorize their roles. He had to protect himself. He had to protect his friends. He blamed himself for the death. How could he have let it happen. It was all his fault. And no friend of his was going to suffer for those mistakes.
But that tape had ruined everything. Some local had discovered the body. How could luck leave him at the end. He still thought there was a chance to get away. He just prayed that his friends hold up in the pressure. He knew he had too.

“Kids, I get it. Mistakes happen. And something  must have gone wrong up there. But you cant live with so much guilt. You are too young. And you need to come clean. You cant just sit and be a part of this heinous crime. There must be a voice inside you telling you to own up. Come on. Tell us the truth.” said Prabhaker in a soft voice.
“KIDS HAH! THEY ARE NO KIDS. They are cold blooded murderers. Look at them. Ruthless, heartless and evil. They sit here knowing everything and still they wont own up. They took a life. The life of someone  so important. They pretend to be nice. They all do. But inside each one of them there is a cool calculated cold blooded murderer. Who not only committed a sin but had the audacity to sit  here and plea innocence. They DISGUST ME!” said Apte.
He couldn’t take it. He had to say something. He had witnessed everything silently. But his insides were burning. He knew he had to come clean. He’d never forgive himself if he didn’t.
Gunjan broke down suddenly. And wailed, “It was an accident. We never meant for any of this to happen.”
Sanjay got up and glared at Gunjan. He shouted, “NO… NO… YOU FOOL SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP!”
“NO I cant shut up any longer. How can you sit there? How? I am no cold blooded murderer. I cant let this happen. I cant… I just cant…” said Gunjan
“You have ruined everything Gunjan! I have to say it. I did it. Its me. I murdered him! I stabbed him with the glass bottle.” said Sanjay.
“What! No. no. Gunjan why did you have to ruin everything. No Sanjay no don’t say this. Don’t do this.” pleaded Roshini.
Prabhaker grabbed Sanjay by his collar and hand cuffed him. Sanjay shivered under the giant policeman and tears rolled down his eyes. Roshini grabbed him and wouldn’t let go. They had to pull her away. And he was taken away from the room.

The man on the other side of the glass felt uneasy. There was something wrong still. He wasn’t satisfied. Something didn’t add up!

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From the writer:-

hi people..thanks for readin it till now...the end is yet to come...i'l post it and part5 will be the climax..hope you enjoy it..pls comment