Saturday, August 29, 2009

romance, monsoon and insems

i am the kind of person who has always been afraid of romance. though am a hardcore romantic ( of the hopeless breed) yet the idea terrifies me. and what worse is feeling romantic during exam time. when subjects like algebra, electromagnetic theory and computer organization are on your head sucking all your youthfulness, freedom and will to live like leeches being romantic becomes somewhat of a luxury that you cant afford. and when you have only fantasies to be romantic in it becomes kind of a pain.
a person who enjoys the crooning of pink, metallica, coldplay and a little bit of red hot chili peppers and children of bodon when begins to enjoy mushy romantic songs there is some weird chemical locha going on. hormones and love are too confusing for someone like me to decode. i freaked out the day i heard all the romantic songs my buddy amory sings all day long. it was scary. and every moment if your head is wrapped around that mysterious non existent stranger you know god will never make ( read the perfect man) you are tend to be weird all day long. so even i scaled new heights of weirdness. i guess its just a deadly combo of emotions and lack of preparation for the deadly in-sems that lead me to listening to bollywood love songs and then bhangra pop. i heard sonu nigam, crush, pehla nasha, love hurts, love story and daler mehandi all in the same day. music has a weird way of creeping into your head and making you crazier then ever.
plus god seems to be enjoying my turmoil these days. monsoon is the season of many flavours. and by flavours i mean you get to see a lot if you really observe. and monsoon just livens me up. makes me feel alive and makes me want to celebrate all day long. with the rains tempting me just outside my room window sitting and studying boring concepts is third degree torture. at the same time if your mind constantly wanders off to romance. when you are surrounded by people who have that 'i m in love expression on their face all day long. and every time you leave your room to attend nature's call and see that every corner is occupied by either your labbie or your roomie or you buddies roomie all on the phone with their 'ahem ahems' all you can do is either raise an eyebrow indicating disinterest and amusement or you can curse your own bad luck of meeting probably the worst of the breed of men. guess life is just like that. but monsoon, romance rather pining for romance and in sems is a deadly combination. almost threatening to your mental stability.
god is weird, love is weird, professors are weird and so is this whole god damned world. boys are weird especially the kind who have no 'ahem ahems' of their own. someone rightly said- " all good men are either married or gay! " but apart from this romantic mental disease that i have been suffering from the past few days i have reached a little observation of my own. when your insems are just a few days away you and its raining outside and your sitting forcibly in your room with all your books in your hands and you start wondering how amazing you'd feel only if you could talk to some 'ahem ahem' of your own...slap yourself as hard as you can and start thinking of that professor you hate so much. at least its a temporary solution to that dangerous pine for love...
LOVE is too dangerous and the idea of love even more threatening to sanity....

Saturday, August 1, 2009

aaarrrggghhhhh

“You only understand things when you go through them”, that’s what a friend told me once when I had nagged her on being stupid about so many things like boys and love and her insecurity. What I never realized was that I couldn’t possibly ever have a say in how rational her feelings were or weren’t. because rationality though appealing isn’t easy. Today or these past few days what I thought I would be I am but everything else around me is changing.
The summer break had been a welcome break from the hectic college life. The emotions, the drama, the underlying currents and clashes of egos, argument and hidden feelings some my own some belonging to others had taken a toll on me. I literally felt frustration of the greatest degree possible in the end of the second semester. Because my first year here at DAIICT had exposed me to so much I never had experienced. Jealousy, insecurity and loneliness. I have lived alone before but never felt this kind of loneliness. All I ever have to do is hide behind my smile. While it proves to be a very handy trait and talent it leaves me craving for some kind of outlet for my feelings. Hiding what you feel isn’t easy and somehow I am convinced that sharing everything leaves you exposed and vulnerable. I tried being open with what I felt and all I experienced was more insecurity and vulnerability. It was great at the beginning. I was opening up and sharing ideas and feelings I had only kept isolated to the walls of my mind. It felt great to have someone to talk to all the time and to share with. For once I was actually loathing the privacy and the loneliness I had grown so accustomed to. But then something happened. Even I am not sure what it exactly is. I was drowning in this pool of vulnerability. I fell into a labirynth of these non existent signs that led me on to believe that soul mates exist. But I was foolish. Foolish to believe so much and still foolish as I harbour the very hope. I feel maybe I will find a soul mate one day. But believe me the idea is very intoxicating and I feel that the mind really plays with you. Such is the strength of this hope of having that one special companion that you are willing to lower your own standards, give in to silly emotions and just be blinded by the obvious truth. Such is the addiction of having someone to share your life with. But when it ends it hurts like hell.
Within three months a whole lot changed. he has changed and I am left marooned on this lonely island where I just cant understand anything. I miss my friend. I miss talking to him. I miss having him around and just casually chatting with him about stupid inconsequential things. I miss having a laugh with him, I miss spending time with him and I miss having heated arguments with him. He has changed but I havent and maybe I am being too irrational but as I said rationality has got nothing to do with the way you feel. These days I feel lost. As if I am walking with a mask on my face. To the world I am cheerful, happy and always celebrating. Most of the time I am but deep down inside there is a void. A sense of longing for that one friend. For that someone with whom I wouldn’t feel any insecurity or any kind of vulnerability.
His change wouldn’t have affected me so much had he not cracked the outer shell I have so strengthened for so many years. But he did manage to reach the brim of my soul and so it hurts even more to have that taken away. I am still confused, I wonder whether my head played games with me and convinced me that maybe he was that soul mate I so wanted for so long or can I just not accept my sceptism that I am incapable of ever finding someone who has the patience to deal with all my irrationalities. There are so many layers to myself. Some I am proud of and some I am not so proud of. And I really feel that I can be a handful or even more sometimes. But am I wrong to expect that someone would find that patience to deal with me. I am very proud of the person I am and I try to be a better person every single day. it’s a struggle I have faced alone. I hate this craving for having a hand to hold or having a shoulder to just lay my head on. Its so demeaning to feel the need for someone. Its against the ideas I have grown up with of being strong enough to not only take care of not only yourself but also the one’s you love. I guess its that word love that is so damn confusing. Most of the time I convince myself that love is just a luxury for the faint hearted but when you actually get to see real love you feel insignificant.
I wonder how someone can change so drastically. Its very unfair. I feel so hurt when I see this new version of him. Something has changed. and then I again wonder whether I should take this as a lesson of life and never ever trust anyone or share with anyone what thoughts I consider to be an integral part of myself and just become another masked machine that carries on with life without showing any emotion or compassion. You are brought up with ideals that tell you to be the best version of yourself but the entire world rather the real world loathes for it. Changing myself was never an option but changing the world is something I strive to do. But despite all logic all reason and all rationalities feelings can alter your thought and your life. Its scary…just too scary…