“You only understand things when you go through them”, that’s what a friend told me once when I had nagged her on being stupid about so many things like boys and love and her insecurity. What I never realized was that I couldn’t possibly ever have a say in how rational her feelings were or weren’t. because rationality though appealing isn’t easy. Today or these past few days what I thought I would be I am but everything else around me is changing.
The summer break had been a welcome break from the hectic college life. The emotions, the drama, the underlying currents and clashes of egos, argument and hidden feelings some my own some belonging to others had taken a toll on me. I literally felt frustration of the greatest degree possible in the end of the second semester. Because my first year here at DAIICT had exposed me to so much I never had experienced. Jealousy, insecurity and loneliness. I have lived alone before but never felt this kind of loneliness. All I ever have to do is hide behind my smile. While it proves to be a very handy trait and talent it leaves me craving for some kind of outlet for my feelings. Hiding what you feel isn’t easy and somehow I am convinced that sharing everything leaves you exposed and vulnerable. I tried being open with what I felt and all I experienced was more insecurity and vulnerability. It was great at the beginning. I was opening up and sharing ideas and feelings I had only kept isolated to the walls of my mind. It felt great to have someone to talk to all the time and to share with. For once I was actually loathing the privacy and the loneliness I had grown so accustomed to. But then something happened. Even I am not sure what it exactly is. I was drowning in this pool of vulnerability. I fell into a labirynth of these non existent signs that led me on to believe that soul mates exist. But I was foolish. Foolish to believe so much and still foolish as I harbour the very hope. I feel maybe I will find a soul mate one day. But believe me the idea is very intoxicating and I feel that the mind really plays with you. Such is the strength of this hope of having that one special companion that you are willing to lower your own standards, give in to silly emotions and just be blinded by the obvious truth. Such is the addiction of having someone to share your life with. But when it ends it hurts like hell.
Within three months a whole lot changed. he has changed and I am left marooned on this lonely island where I just cant understand anything. I miss my friend. I miss talking to him. I miss having him around and just casually chatting with him about stupid inconsequential things. I miss having a laugh with him, I miss spending time with him and I miss having heated arguments with him. He has changed but I havent and maybe I am being too irrational but as I said rationality has got nothing to do with the way you feel. These days I feel lost. As if I am walking with a mask on my face. To the world I am cheerful, happy and always celebrating. Most of the time I am but deep down inside there is a void. A sense of longing for that one friend. For that someone with whom I wouldn’t feel any insecurity or any kind of vulnerability.
His change wouldn’t have affected me so much had he not cracked the outer shell I have so strengthened for so many years. But he did manage to reach the brim of my soul and so it hurts even more to have that taken away. I am still confused, I wonder whether my head played games with me and convinced me that maybe he was that soul mate I so wanted for so long or can I just not accept my sceptism that I am incapable of ever finding someone who has the patience to deal with all my irrationalities. There are so many layers to myself. Some I am proud of and some I am not so proud of. And I really feel that I can be a handful or even more sometimes. But am I wrong to expect that someone would find that patience to deal with me. I am very proud of the person I am and I try to be a better person every single day. it’s a struggle I have faced alone. I hate this craving for having a hand to hold or having a shoulder to just lay my head on. Its so demeaning to feel the need for someone. Its against the ideas I have grown up with of being strong enough to not only take care of not only yourself but also the one’s you love. I guess its that word love that is so damn confusing. Most of the time I convince myself that love is just a luxury for the faint hearted but when you actually get to see real love you feel insignificant.
I wonder how someone can change so drastically. Its very unfair. I feel so hurt when I see this new version of him. Something has changed. and then I again wonder whether I should take this as a lesson of life and never ever trust anyone or share with anyone what thoughts I consider to be an integral part of myself and just become another masked machine that carries on with life without showing any emotion or compassion. You are brought up with ideals that tell you to be the best version of yourself but the entire world rather the real world loathes for it. Changing myself was never an option but changing the world is something I strive to do. But despite all logic all reason and all rationalities feelings can alter your thought and your life. Its scary…just too scary…