in a small town of this large country there lived a woman, a woman with a family, a woman with a life and a woman who had a fierce air of self reliance about her. a few days ago this woman passed away. without a sound, without any noise just like that she left this big bad world leaving behind an entire family speechless and shocked. tears were shed, words of praise were passes, her life was admired and her character was idealized. this woman left behind her entire lifetime in her tiny home. this home was everything to her and everything for her. she had refused to live in the luxuries her successful progeny had to offer just so that she could live in that tiny broken house where her entire life had began. the house that she had built with her husband, where she had grown her family and the house where her beloved husband had breathed his last breath. this woman was no ordinary woman. she was a woman who lived life with the ferocity of a warrior not letting old age or the words of the world slow her down. not only did she not bring up wonderful children who grew to be set individuals of the society but also managed to keep an impossible lot of related siblings stay together despite their underlying friction. this woman wasn't easy to please, she was not easy to mess with. those whom she loved were loved like they couldn't be loved anymore and those whom she loathed couldn't have been loathed more than they were loathed. she had a heart, a huge heart that had enough love for all her children and grand children. a heart that knew that love could only be imparted in its purest form and that is free from any inhibitions or expectations. despite disappointments she loved, despite failures she supported and despite all the baggage that every family carries she kept everyone together. she was a woman determined who never conceded to life. she instilled in each of her children a respect for the family they belonged to and the love and commitment that they owed to keep that family together.
she was a woman who epitomises they way every individual in today's world should live. compromises were never in her dictionary. she lived by her own rules. and her life was looked at and admired by her family in the past three days. a life of 77 years was found in the corners of the house she had once lived in. old memories were hidden in old cards, photos and diaries. her children found their own childhood and reconnected with that old feeling of their lives as innocent carefree children. for from that tiny house which belonged to that old woman there were 8 More lives that went on to affect many many more lives. she left behind a legacy, an answer that can perhaps solve a lot of problems that an individual forced to grow up faces today.
the most wonderful part about her was her ability to live life on her own terms. she knew her strengths and never let her weaknesses get the better of her. she never let the world label her as something or someone. she lived independently and that fire inside her transcended through the world. it was this inherent stubbornness inside her that allowed her to live with such freedom. never afraid, never scared and never put down by anyone she lived her life like a queen does. yet her simplicity couldn't have been more than that of a saint. such was this woman who lived her own life on her own terms. when her death shocked the world the one's close to her revealed the life she had lived and a wonderful life it was. a life with a family. and at her death you had the entire family gathered and united by a singular grief and that grief of loosing someone so influential so suddenly. god called her and somewhere in heaven too she is living life in her own way on her own terms and not even god can change that.
this wonderful woman was my grandmother. the last time i saw her face my eyes were filled with tears. i will always live with the regret of not being able to say goodbye. she was a huge part of my life and my mother's best friend. her death left me with the realisation that how influential she had been in my own life. thus leaving me with a void. i cant seem to find closure. in my own life i was too blinded not to see the solutions she held to the problems i face. but finding out about her life gave me a strength, a strength to fight it out. she was a warrior in her own way. her death leaves me with a heavy heart and tearful eyes but i am proud of my grandmother. her life reminded me that i too have her legacy somewhere in my DNA and if i can be half the woman she was i might get far far ahead in life. rest in peace my dear Nani. i love you from the core of my heart and a part of you will always stay with me.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Thursday, October 1, 2009
this is why i am hot :P
This is why I am hot! :P
Captain kullu. That’s what my beloved friends call me these days. And though I hate that name it always brings a smile on my face. The past few weeks were literally like being stuck in a reality s how with tons of drama and unnecessary emotions. A simple life is a luxury but one filled with drama is an addiction. A hailstorm that’s how I describe the time that I am going through. At first there was this wicked villain who has apparently become my mother’s best friend these days who kept calling me to his crummy office and lecturing me on how wrong my life is. Parents and villains is the most deadliest combination you will ever find. I’d rather pull all my teeth out than sit and listen to this bitter man bash everything that’s wrong with my generation. Such narrow mindedness and lack of ability to really appreciate the world really disappoints me. If only people could rise from their own narrow moulds and ideas and accept the beauty of the time we live in things would be so much better. At least I wouldn’t have to explain every tiny freaking detail of my life to my mother had it not been for this nosey villain. Every body has a mogambo in their life and mine is this arrogant man. I would love to just state my point but all that would land me is an F grade. The death of democracy I tell you… :P
Had villains and worried parents been my only problem I would have been a normal teenager barely surviving a course she is barely interested in (well I am that but more too) but then you have crummy friends who prove that every living moment its get harder and harder for you to hate them. They suck, they’re crummy and they cant do one thing right and that’s why I love having them around. Its really their imperfections and their inabilities that glorify their niceties and their awesomeness hence making them more and more irresistible. I guess that’s why its so easy for some of them to hurt me so easily. Frankly all their mistakes are rewarded with my own style of punishment… excessive drama on my part ( my imperfection) but when one of them really manages to hurt me where it hurts the most I am left as a crippled baby on the side. If you really hurt me I wont bother you rather I’d leave you alone and flee the moment I see you because looking at your face world remind me of the moment you so easily managed to hurt me. But if you stand a chance of quick forgiveness I will hang around and just wait for you to make that face or say the right thing and then surprise you with a bear hug (something I am really good at). Well the greatest friend at times do the most hurtful things. You can either forgive and when that becomes hard just blow their heads of with a gun
As for the hailstorm that I am going through. See a multi- distracted mind like my own cant just sit on a chair and study all day long ( unlike a roomy I cant name) so I tend to get attracted to doing things I am good at. Trying new things making new friends and being there for them. Working and making magic happen, using word (my only strength) to create pieces I can be proud of, dance music and madness are things that have always been my life’s fascination. And fascination is a hard emotion to overcome. I tried keeping a low profile, I tried not being so involved so that I could study (LOL) but sadly it didn’t work. I guess I need all this to keep myself occupied otherwise this mind of mine totally out of control just like me can create ideas and theories that at times terrify me. Thinking too much is a crime that’s what some one once told me and making my own world is dangerous. Well if I ever find that person I’d laugh at his face because I am amused by the ease with which he classified my mind and my thought into such a huge cliché. I am proud of my ability to think non stop and know things other people might take a lifetime to realize. And to all those who find it frustrating all I can advice is without trying, without knowing and without every experiencing the empowerment that having an opinion or an observation gifts you don’t just judge things in the narrow mould you have created. Open up or remain rigid. Then maybe one day you too might be an arrogant villain somewhere desperately trying to create a community of students whose parents you can be best friends with. Narrow mindedness is the biggest enemy of free thought. Hence I have involved myself with things and challenges that were once a part of my dreams. I cant comprehend why I had gotten into a shell afraid of my own high hopes. I guess fear of failure was a dominating factor but I never realized that this fear made me a lesser version of myself. So now I come out all guns blazing. I am not stopping myself. Well I have. When you have the kind of villains I have doing everything can become a little tough. But ultimately I am not someone you can tame so I still do the same things I used too maybe even more but now with an ambition in mind. And these new endeavors have led me to finding new people thus broadening my own opinion on a lot of things and surprisingly has initiated so many new friendships that the pain I had from old ones slowly is slipping into some corner of my heart. Ultimately the one’s who were genuine are still a major part of my life and the rest are just people I am hanging on too with dear life. But one day my grip will slip and when that happens I wont be the one in loss.
In the end it surprises me that I can find strangers or acquaintances who understand things or show emotions that I need to hear on some days that are bad. I guess god has a special way of letting you hear what you want but god might be a sadist somewhere because its always been so that the wrong person ends up saying the right thing and the right person always ends up saying the wrong thing. Life is a tragedy and god is Shakespeare.
So being totally frank all I can say is that I am addicted to this drama that life is holding around me. I don’t like it but I know that life is no dull documentary. Every person who is special in my life will have problems and my own problems always run in the background and it is that camaraderie that we have with ourselves that will take us through all the drama thus leading us to a happy and new beginning. Feeling like I am full of life right now though I am sitting in a classroom forced to study due to my own laziness and lack of interest in the course that I am studying. I guess you just cant fulfill your heart’s desire and your grade card at the same time. So captain kullu ( I am starting to like this name) signing of into the horizon on a new journey with a lot of cargo and a lot hope.
Captain kullu. That’s what my beloved friends call me these days. And though I hate that name it always brings a smile on my face. The past few weeks were literally like being stuck in a reality s how with tons of drama and unnecessary emotions. A simple life is a luxury but one filled with drama is an addiction. A hailstorm that’s how I describe the time that I am going through. At first there was this wicked villain who has apparently become my mother’s best friend these days who kept calling me to his crummy office and lecturing me on how wrong my life is. Parents and villains is the most deadliest combination you will ever find. I’d rather pull all my teeth out than sit and listen to this bitter man bash everything that’s wrong with my generation. Such narrow mindedness and lack of ability to really appreciate the world really disappoints me. If only people could rise from their own narrow moulds and ideas and accept the beauty of the time we live in things would be so much better. At least I wouldn’t have to explain every tiny freaking detail of my life to my mother had it not been for this nosey villain. Every body has a mogambo in their life and mine is this arrogant man. I would love to just state my point but all that would land me is an F grade. The death of democracy I tell you… :P
Had villains and worried parents been my only problem I would have been a normal teenager barely surviving a course she is barely interested in (well I am that but more too) but then you have crummy friends who prove that every living moment its get harder and harder for you to hate them. They suck, they’re crummy and they cant do one thing right and that’s why I love having them around. Its really their imperfections and their inabilities that glorify their niceties and their awesomeness hence making them more and more irresistible. I guess that’s why its so easy for some of them to hurt me so easily. Frankly all their mistakes are rewarded with my own style of punishment… excessive drama on my part ( my imperfection) but when one of them really manages to hurt me where it hurts the most I am left as a crippled baby on the side. If you really hurt me I wont bother you rather I’d leave you alone and flee the moment I see you because looking at your face world remind me of the moment you so easily managed to hurt me. But if you stand a chance of quick forgiveness I will hang around and just wait for you to make that face or say the right thing and then surprise you with a bear hug (something I am really good at). Well the greatest friend at times do the most hurtful things. You can either forgive and when that becomes hard just blow their heads of with a gun
As for the hailstorm that I am going through. See a multi- distracted mind like my own cant just sit on a chair and study all day long ( unlike a roomy I cant name) so I tend to get attracted to doing things I am good at. Trying new things making new friends and being there for them. Working and making magic happen, using word (my only strength) to create pieces I can be proud of, dance music and madness are things that have always been my life’s fascination. And fascination is a hard emotion to overcome. I tried keeping a low profile, I tried not being so involved so that I could study (LOL) but sadly it didn’t work. I guess I need all this to keep myself occupied otherwise this mind of mine totally out of control just like me can create ideas and theories that at times terrify me. Thinking too much is a crime that’s what some one once told me and making my own world is dangerous. Well if I ever find that person I’d laugh at his face because I am amused by the ease with which he classified my mind and my thought into such a huge cliché. I am proud of my ability to think non stop and know things other people might take a lifetime to realize. And to all those who find it frustrating all I can advice is without trying, without knowing and without every experiencing the empowerment that having an opinion or an observation gifts you don’t just judge things in the narrow mould you have created. Open up or remain rigid. Then maybe one day you too might be an arrogant villain somewhere desperately trying to create a community of students whose parents you can be best friends with. Narrow mindedness is the biggest enemy of free thought. Hence I have involved myself with things and challenges that were once a part of my dreams. I cant comprehend why I had gotten into a shell afraid of my own high hopes. I guess fear of failure was a dominating factor but I never realized that this fear made me a lesser version of myself. So now I come out all guns blazing. I am not stopping myself. Well I have. When you have the kind of villains I have doing everything can become a little tough. But ultimately I am not someone you can tame so I still do the same things I used too maybe even more but now with an ambition in mind. And these new endeavors have led me to finding new people thus broadening my own opinion on a lot of things and surprisingly has initiated so many new friendships that the pain I had from old ones slowly is slipping into some corner of my heart. Ultimately the one’s who were genuine are still a major part of my life and the rest are just people I am hanging on too with dear life. But one day my grip will slip and when that happens I wont be the one in loss.
In the end it surprises me that I can find strangers or acquaintances who understand things or show emotions that I need to hear on some days that are bad. I guess god has a special way of letting you hear what you want but god might be a sadist somewhere because its always been so that the wrong person ends up saying the right thing and the right person always ends up saying the wrong thing. Life is a tragedy and god is Shakespeare.
So being totally frank all I can say is that I am addicted to this drama that life is holding around me. I don’t like it but I know that life is no dull documentary. Every person who is special in my life will have problems and my own problems always run in the background and it is that camaraderie that we have with ourselves that will take us through all the drama thus leading us to a happy and new beginning. Feeling like I am full of life right now though I am sitting in a classroom forced to study due to my own laziness and lack of interest in the course that I am studying. I guess you just cant fulfill your heart’s desire and your grade card at the same time. So captain kullu ( I am starting to like this name) signing of into the horizon on a new journey with a lot of cargo and a lot hope.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
exams...
three days- five exams and a trunk load of superhuman effort to manage a passing grade in these terribly frustrating subjects and finally it ended today. examination to me has always been a war. a war where hunger sleep thirst and normality are luxuries that you just cant afford. of course the normal symptoms do show during this difficult time. i make promises to myself to remain regular in class and my studies. also preparing for an exam is like a mind wandering fest. the best ideas and the worst ideas and also the weirdest ones attack my brain when i have to sit with one book and study that subject the entire day. moreover this battle called exams is a lone war and all you can do is helplessly stare at the titans who worked harder or simply were not as lazy as you. but during this frustrating time period i discovered a wonderful side to life. its a shot in the dark but i had the best time preparing for these insems. the output might not change and i might bomb in the exams as i usually do but this time i tried and more importantly i had a wonderful friend by my side.
misery loves partners. and adversity unites the worst of enemies. and she is the best of my friends. we had fun all the time while studying together and combined our brains worked faster. i guess its what is called an experience of a successful partnership. friendship has always been a perplexing relationship. you never know how genuine it really is until life screws you over and you are left hopeless and helpless. every relationship you hold has a different level to it. however moving aside from the usual emotional stuff i noticed that having someone around who is almost as screwed up as you helps. its a very sadistic thought but drowning alone hurts more than drowning with an entire crew ;)...
aah... but independence has its own taste. after tough times nothingness and uselessness seem like heavenly luxuries that you get to indulge in. of course the daily rut will start again soon and we will again become factory churned robots struggling with the perfections that the world demands and fighting with our own imperfections . sometimes this rut really frustrates me. i want to be able to do whatever i want whenever i want and that feeling is growing stronger with the rut that my life is becoming. first year in college was an experience of a lifetime. liberation and utltimate freedom however that did shake my core as i had become reckless and irresponisible (a very dangerous side effect of unquestioned freedom) but now life is getting back on track and a lot of things that seemed amazing once are becoming insignificant now. but that fear still lives in me. i dont want a rut but i do want a simple life. i want to be able to see the world and yet come back home and have dinner with my family and friends. i want to have all the relationships that make life special but i do not want to loose myself. its frustrating to think that its always the choice that you make that determines the way your life is going to be leaving you helpless with just one thought- when will it get easy?
i guess it never does and i believe it never should. life is really a journey and no philosophical intent shown here but i must say every little struggle that i go through changes me and yet strengthens the person inside that i have kept alive. well the taste of freedom is still intoxicating but responsibility calls and its just something that you have to do.... :)
misery loves partners. and adversity unites the worst of enemies. and she is the best of my friends. we had fun all the time while studying together and combined our brains worked faster. i guess its what is called an experience of a successful partnership. friendship has always been a perplexing relationship. you never know how genuine it really is until life screws you over and you are left hopeless and helpless. every relationship you hold has a different level to it. however moving aside from the usual emotional stuff i noticed that having someone around who is almost as screwed up as you helps. its a very sadistic thought but drowning alone hurts more than drowning with an entire crew ;)...
aah... but independence has its own taste. after tough times nothingness and uselessness seem like heavenly luxuries that you get to indulge in. of course the daily rut will start again soon and we will again become factory churned robots struggling with the perfections that the world demands and fighting with our own imperfections . sometimes this rut really frustrates me. i want to be able to do whatever i want whenever i want and that feeling is growing stronger with the rut that my life is becoming. first year in college was an experience of a lifetime. liberation and utltimate freedom however that did shake my core as i had become reckless and irresponisible (a very dangerous side effect of unquestioned freedom) but now life is getting back on track and a lot of things that seemed amazing once are becoming insignificant now. but that fear still lives in me. i dont want a rut but i do want a simple life. i want to be able to see the world and yet come back home and have dinner with my family and friends. i want to have all the relationships that make life special but i do not want to loose myself. its frustrating to think that its always the choice that you make that determines the way your life is going to be leaving you helpless with just one thought- when will it get easy?
i guess it never does and i believe it never should. life is really a journey and no philosophical intent shown here but i must say every little struggle that i go through changes me and yet strengthens the person inside that i have kept alive. well the taste of freedom is still intoxicating but responsibility calls and its just something that you have to do.... :)
Saturday, August 29, 2009
romance, monsoon and insems
i am the kind of person who has always been afraid of romance. though am a hardcore romantic ( of the hopeless breed) yet the idea terrifies me. and what worse is feeling romantic during exam time. when subjects like algebra, electromagnetic theory and computer organization are on your head sucking all your youthfulness, freedom and will to live like leeches being romantic becomes somewhat of a luxury that you cant afford. and when you have only fantasies to be romantic in it becomes kind of a pain.
a person who enjoys the crooning of pink, metallica, coldplay and a little bit of red hot chili peppers and children of bodon when begins to enjoy mushy romantic songs there is some weird chemical locha going on. hormones and love are too confusing for someone like me to decode. i freaked out the day i heard all the romantic songs my buddy amory sings all day long. it was scary. and every moment if your head is wrapped around that mysterious non existent stranger you know god will never make ( read the perfect man) you are tend to be weird all day long. so even i scaled new heights of weirdness. i guess its just a deadly combo of emotions and lack of preparation for the deadly in-sems that lead me to listening to bollywood love songs and then bhangra pop. i heard sonu nigam, crush, pehla nasha, love hurts, love story and daler mehandi all in the same day. music has a weird way of creeping into your head and making you crazier then ever.
plus god seems to be enjoying my turmoil these days. monsoon is the season of many flavours. and by flavours i mean you get to see a lot if you really observe. and monsoon just livens me up. makes me feel alive and makes me want to celebrate all day long. with the rains tempting me just outside my room window sitting and studying boring concepts is third degree torture. at the same time if your mind constantly wanders off to romance. when you are surrounded by people who have that 'i m in love expression on their face all day long. and every time you leave your room to attend nature's call and see that every corner is occupied by either your labbie or your roomie or you buddies roomie all on the phone with their 'ahem ahems' all you can do is either raise an eyebrow indicating disinterest and amusement or you can curse your own bad luck of meeting probably the worst of the breed of men. guess life is just like that. but monsoon, romance rather pining for romance and in sems is a deadly combination. almost threatening to your mental stability.
god is weird, love is weird, professors are weird and so is this whole god damned world. boys are weird especially the kind who have no 'ahem ahems' of their own. someone rightly said- " all good men are either married or gay! " but apart from this romantic mental disease that i have been suffering from the past few days i have reached a little observation of my own. when your insems are just a few days away you and its raining outside and your sitting forcibly in your room with all your books in your hands and you start wondering how amazing you'd feel only if you could talk to some 'ahem ahem' of your own...slap yourself as hard as you can and start thinking of that professor you hate so much. at least its a temporary solution to that dangerous pine for love...
LOVE is too dangerous and the idea of love even more threatening to sanity....
a person who enjoys the crooning of pink, metallica, coldplay and a little bit of red hot chili peppers and children of bodon when begins to enjoy mushy romantic songs there is some weird chemical locha going on. hormones and love are too confusing for someone like me to decode. i freaked out the day i heard all the romantic songs my buddy amory sings all day long. it was scary. and every moment if your head is wrapped around that mysterious non existent stranger you know god will never make ( read the perfect man) you are tend to be weird all day long. so even i scaled new heights of weirdness. i guess its just a deadly combo of emotions and lack of preparation for the deadly in-sems that lead me to listening to bollywood love songs and then bhangra pop. i heard sonu nigam, crush, pehla nasha, love hurts, love story and daler mehandi all in the same day. music has a weird way of creeping into your head and making you crazier then ever.
plus god seems to be enjoying my turmoil these days. monsoon is the season of many flavours. and by flavours i mean you get to see a lot if you really observe. and monsoon just livens me up. makes me feel alive and makes me want to celebrate all day long. with the rains tempting me just outside my room window sitting and studying boring concepts is third degree torture. at the same time if your mind constantly wanders off to romance. when you are surrounded by people who have that 'i m in love expression on their face all day long. and every time you leave your room to attend nature's call and see that every corner is occupied by either your labbie or your roomie or you buddies roomie all on the phone with their 'ahem ahems' all you can do is either raise an eyebrow indicating disinterest and amusement or you can curse your own bad luck of meeting probably the worst of the breed of men. guess life is just like that. but monsoon, romance rather pining for romance and in sems is a deadly combination. almost threatening to your mental stability.
god is weird, love is weird, professors are weird and so is this whole god damned world. boys are weird especially the kind who have no 'ahem ahems' of their own. someone rightly said- " all good men are either married or gay! " but apart from this romantic mental disease that i have been suffering from the past few days i have reached a little observation of my own. when your insems are just a few days away you and its raining outside and your sitting forcibly in your room with all your books in your hands and you start wondering how amazing you'd feel only if you could talk to some 'ahem ahem' of your own...slap yourself as hard as you can and start thinking of that professor you hate so much. at least its a temporary solution to that dangerous pine for love...
LOVE is too dangerous and the idea of love even more threatening to sanity....
Saturday, August 1, 2009
aaarrrggghhhhh
“You only understand things when you go through them”, that’s what a friend told me once when I had nagged her on being stupid about so many things like boys and love and her insecurity. What I never realized was that I couldn’t possibly ever have a say in how rational her feelings were or weren’t. because rationality though appealing isn’t easy. Today or these past few days what I thought I would be I am but everything else around me is changing.
The summer break had been a welcome break from the hectic college life. The emotions, the drama, the underlying currents and clashes of egos, argument and hidden feelings some my own some belonging to others had taken a toll on me. I literally felt frustration of the greatest degree possible in the end of the second semester. Because my first year here at DAIICT had exposed me to so much I never had experienced. Jealousy, insecurity and loneliness. I have lived alone before but never felt this kind of loneliness. All I ever have to do is hide behind my smile. While it proves to be a very handy trait and talent it leaves me craving for some kind of outlet for my feelings. Hiding what you feel isn’t easy and somehow I am convinced that sharing everything leaves you exposed and vulnerable. I tried being open with what I felt and all I experienced was more insecurity and vulnerability. It was great at the beginning. I was opening up and sharing ideas and feelings I had only kept isolated to the walls of my mind. It felt great to have someone to talk to all the time and to share with. For once I was actually loathing the privacy and the loneliness I had grown so accustomed to. But then something happened. Even I am not sure what it exactly is. I was drowning in this pool of vulnerability. I fell into a labirynth of these non existent signs that led me on to believe that soul mates exist. But I was foolish. Foolish to believe so much and still foolish as I harbour the very hope. I feel maybe I will find a soul mate one day. But believe me the idea is very intoxicating and I feel that the mind really plays with you. Such is the strength of this hope of having that one special companion that you are willing to lower your own standards, give in to silly emotions and just be blinded by the obvious truth. Such is the addiction of having someone to share your life with. But when it ends it hurts like hell.
Within three months a whole lot changed. he has changed and I am left marooned on this lonely island where I just cant understand anything. I miss my friend. I miss talking to him. I miss having him around and just casually chatting with him about stupid inconsequential things. I miss having a laugh with him, I miss spending time with him and I miss having heated arguments with him. He has changed but I havent and maybe I am being too irrational but as I said rationality has got nothing to do with the way you feel. These days I feel lost. As if I am walking with a mask on my face. To the world I am cheerful, happy and always celebrating. Most of the time I am but deep down inside there is a void. A sense of longing for that one friend. For that someone with whom I wouldn’t feel any insecurity or any kind of vulnerability.
His change wouldn’t have affected me so much had he not cracked the outer shell I have so strengthened for so many years. But he did manage to reach the brim of my soul and so it hurts even more to have that taken away. I am still confused, I wonder whether my head played games with me and convinced me that maybe he was that soul mate I so wanted for so long or can I just not accept my sceptism that I am incapable of ever finding someone who has the patience to deal with all my irrationalities. There are so many layers to myself. Some I am proud of and some I am not so proud of. And I really feel that I can be a handful or even more sometimes. But am I wrong to expect that someone would find that patience to deal with me. I am very proud of the person I am and I try to be a better person every single day. it’s a struggle I have faced alone. I hate this craving for having a hand to hold or having a shoulder to just lay my head on. Its so demeaning to feel the need for someone. Its against the ideas I have grown up with of being strong enough to not only take care of not only yourself but also the one’s you love. I guess its that word love that is so damn confusing. Most of the time I convince myself that love is just a luxury for the faint hearted but when you actually get to see real love you feel insignificant.
I wonder how someone can change so drastically. Its very unfair. I feel so hurt when I see this new version of him. Something has changed. and then I again wonder whether I should take this as a lesson of life and never ever trust anyone or share with anyone what thoughts I consider to be an integral part of myself and just become another masked machine that carries on with life without showing any emotion or compassion. You are brought up with ideals that tell you to be the best version of yourself but the entire world rather the real world loathes for it. Changing myself was never an option but changing the world is something I strive to do. But despite all logic all reason and all rationalities feelings can alter your thought and your life. Its scary…just too scary…
The summer break had been a welcome break from the hectic college life. The emotions, the drama, the underlying currents and clashes of egos, argument and hidden feelings some my own some belonging to others had taken a toll on me. I literally felt frustration of the greatest degree possible in the end of the second semester. Because my first year here at DAIICT had exposed me to so much I never had experienced. Jealousy, insecurity and loneliness. I have lived alone before but never felt this kind of loneliness. All I ever have to do is hide behind my smile. While it proves to be a very handy trait and talent it leaves me craving for some kind of outlet for my feelings. Hiding what you feel isn’t easy and somehow I am convinced that sharing everything leaves you exposed and vulnerable. I tried being open with what I felt and all I experienced was more insecurity and vulnerability. It was great at the beginning. I was opening up and sharing ideas and feelings I had only kept isolated to the walls of my mind. It felt great to have someone to talk to all the time and to share with. For once I was actually loathing the privacy and the loneliness I had grown so accustomed to. But then something happened. Even I am not sure what it exactly is. I was drowning in this pool of vulnerability. I fell into a labirynth of these non existent signs that led me on to believe that soul mates exist. But I was foolish. Foolish to believe so much and still foolish as I harbour the very hope. I feel maybe I will find a soul mate one day. But believe me the idea is very intoxicating and I feel that the mind really plays with you. Such is the strength of this hope of having that one special companion that you are willing to lower your own standards, give in to silly emotions and just be blinded by the obvious truth. Such is the addiction of having someone to share your life with. But when it ends it hurts like hell.
Within three months a whole lot changed. he has changed and I am left marooned on this lonely island where I just cant understand anything. I miss my friend. I miss talking to him. I miss having him around and just casually chatting with him about stupid inconsequential things. I miss having a laugh with him, I miss spending time with him and I miss having heated arguments with him. He has changed but I havent and maybe I am being too irrational but as I said rationality has got nothing to do with the way you feel. These days I feel lost. As if I am walking with a mask on my face. To the world I am cheerful, happy and always celebrating. Most of the time I am but deep down inside there is a void. A sense of longing for that one friend. For that someone with whom I wouldn’t feel any insecurity or any kind of vulnerability.
His change wouldn’t have affected me so much had he not cracked the outer shell I have so strengthened for so many years. But he did manage to reach the brim of my soul and so it hurts even more to have that taken away. I am still confused, I wonder whether my head played games with me and convinced me that maybe he was that soul mate I so wanted for so long or can I just not accept my sceptism that I am incapable of ever finding someone who has the patience to deal with all my irrationalities. There are so many layers to myself. Some I am proud of and some I am not so proud of. And I really feel that I can be a handful or even more sometimes. But am I wrong to expect that someone would find that patience to deal with me. I am very proud of the person I am and I try to be a better person every single day. it’s a struggle I have faced alone. I hate this craving for having a hand to hold or having a shoulder to just lay my head on. Its so demeaning to feel the need for someone. Its against the ideas I have grown up with of being strong enough to not only take care of not only yourself but also the one’s you love. I guess its that word love that is so damn confusing. Most of the time I convince myself that love is just a luxury for the faint hearted but when you actually get to see real love you feel insignificant.
I wonder how someone can change so drastically. Its very unfair. I feel so hurt when I see this new version of him. Something has changed. and then I again wonder whether I should take this as a lesson of life and never ever trust anyone or share with anyone what thoughts I consider to be an integral part of myself and just become another masked machine that carries on with life without showing any emotion or compassion. You are brought up with ideals that tell you to be the best version of yourself but the entire world rather the real world loathes for it. Changing myself was never an option but changing the world is something I strive to do. But despite all logic all reason and all rationalities feelings can alter your thought and your life. Its scary…just too scary…
Sunday, May 31, 2009
ARRCHIE PICKS VERONICA AND I AM HEART BROKEN
so archie andrews finally made his choice and picked the vivacious veronica lodge. i am happy for veronica she finally won the war and i feel heart broken for poor betty cooper because as always she lost.
as every other teenager i too started reading archie comics from a young age and i instantly fell in love with betty because i saw myself in her. i too like her am a simple sweet girl. in fact i am pretty goofy at times not at all like the kind of princesses or fairies or supermodels that depict an ideal woman. my heart is all i have. and so betty's pursuit for archie gave me a hope that maybe the good girl also gets her prince. archie never deserved betty but as always is a girl as no control over whom she may fall for. i get it why betty loves archie so much. i kinda experienced it first hand myself and like betty i too am left broken hearted because he chose the beautiful more elegant and the better looking girl. so when i heard today that archie chose betty i actually felt the heart break all over again. the reason there is such huge disappointment among people is perhaps because this story of archie, betty adn veronica has been iconic for generations. and since people are so used to stories with fairy tale ending we always thought that the more relatable girl woul win. betty is the kind of girl every guy wants as a wife and every girl aspires to be and so veronica is more new age material. dont get me wrong i love ronnie. she is awesome. she gets what she wants and is a great friend to betty but she always wanted archie to satisfy the competitive urge inside her. never because she loved archie. but archie made his choice and its horrid that someone like him gets to choose between two such amazing girls. betty will definitely find some one who actually deserves her but its her heart break that troubles me the most. its not easy to let go of someone you care so deeply about. i get that. but i guess this world is no longer a place for people like betty or like me. you gotta protect yourself from everything. dont fall for anyone. dont care too much for anyone. think only about yourrself and become selfish.
but sometimes you just cant be someone you were never meant to be. betty will never stop loving archie. when she finds a man who really deserves her she will love him but archie will always be a part of her heart. but as far as i know the world needs people like betty. and somethings especially some people should never change.
after all you have to face yourself in the mirror at the end of the day. so howmuch ever it pains being a betty cooper in real life makes me feel pride. and i can live with that.
congratulations to archie. he did betty a favor but he will always be the guy who broke betty cooper's heart....and mine too!!!!!!
as every other teenager i too started reading archie comics from a young age and i instantly fell in love with betty because i saw myself in her. i too like her am a simple sweet girl. in fact i am pretty goofy at times not at all like the kind of princesses or fairies or supermodels that depict an ideal woman. my heart is all i have. and so betty's pursuit for archie gave me a hope that maybe the good girl also gets her prince. archie never deserved betty but as always is a girl as no control over whom she may fall for. i get it why betty loves archie so much. i kinda experienced it first hand myself and like betty i too am left broken hearted because he chose the beautiful more elegant and the better looking girl. so when i heard today that archie chose betty i actually felt the heart break all over again. the reason there is such huge disappointment among people is perhaps because this story of archie, betty adn veronica has been iconic for generations. and since people are so used to stories with fairy tale ending we always thought that the more relatable girl woul win. betty is the kind of girl every guy wants as a wife and every girl aspires to be and so veronica is more new age material. dont get me wrong i love ronnie. she is awesome. she gets what she wants and is a great friend to betty but she always wanted archie to satisfy the competitive urge inside her. never because she loved archie. but archie made his choice and its horrid that someone like him gets to choose between two such amazing girls. betty will definitely find some one who actually deserves her but its her heart break that troubles me the most. its not easy to let go of someone you care so deeply about. i get that. but i guess this world is no longer a place for people like betty or like me. you gotta protect yourself from everything. dont fall for anyone. dont care too much for anyone. think only about yourrself and become selfish.
but sometimes you just cant be someone you were never meant to be. betty will never stop loving archie. when she finds a man who really deserves her she will love him but archie will always be a part of her heart. but as far as i know the world needs people like betty. and somethings especially some people should never change.
after all you have to face yourself in the mirror at the end of the day. so howmuch ever it pains being a betty cooper in real life makes me feel pride. and i can live with that.
congratulations to archie. he did betty a favor but he will always be the guy who broke betty cooper's heart....and mine too!!!!!!
the freedom writer's
My ipod is stuck! Stupid thing wont work! What will I do now?
This was my biggest worry. And now it seems so insignificant. The time that lapsed between these changes, riveted me completely. I just spent the past two and a half hours of my life watching a wonderful movie called the freedom writer’s based on a book. And in these two hours I discovered how lucky I am, how much potential I have within me and the are world’s out there whose reality is far far worse than our biggest fears. The freedom writer’s is about a teacher’s journey into the lives of a group of racially divided students in a time frame in America when racial violence and hatred was at a high. I felt disconnected at the start. Of course I am against racism but never had ever experienced it first hand. I never knew what it felt to be discriminated against because of the colour of your skin. Though I live in a country where the colour of your skin really determines a lot but never let it affect me. Because an advertisement of fair and lovely really doesn’t affect me much expect for generating sympathy inside me for people foolish enough and insecure to go for such marketing gimmicks. However going back to the story I just saw I realized what human discrimination is capable of inflicting into this world.
Its not really about what race are you or what colour are you but more about how many can you gather that look just like you, target all the hatred and suppressed anger towards someone you don’t like much and become powerful by overpowering those who cant defend themselves. it’s a chain reaction that goes on giving birth to one frustrated and discriminated victim to the other. The movie was about how high school kids got into gangs and how their innocent minds that should have been taught about Mozart and Beethoven and world history were taught about sticking together with people of the same race, shooting guns at any person who was not the same colour as you, testifying against enemy races and worst of all hatred. And then I realized something. These people whose stories so appalled me and broke my heart were nothing more then lost little kids. Kids smaller then me in age but so much older in experiencing grief. It reminded me of the hopelessness I had seen so much around me. These were little kids just in school. School, an experience I have just recently passed through and had a wonderful time where I learned how to think on my own and understand what an ideal world might need. And the same word school for them was a compulsion. As one of the protagonist put it- “my parole officer gave me a choice- it’s either school or boot camp!” no one cared and no one bothered. But one person did both. She was just another teacher who could have followed into the footsteps of the people before her but she refused to do so. She fought and sacrificed her own life to bring light into the lives of these children who didn’t even bother to show her respect. She took on jobs so that she could buy them books and when these kids saw the new books on their table they felt better and felt as if someone really cared about them. A little spark of interest ignited a passion inside these kids to actually battle life and they began fighting. The journey from living in a state of doom looming over your head everywhere you go to wanting to become better and demand a better life is what the movie is about. And most of all it points a finger at you, the viewer, the reader and the one sitting comfortably at home. The finger pointing at you asks you that you too can do something to change the lives of the people who need hope in their lives. We can sit around and live life the way everyone does and not bother about anything else. Follow what the world is doing and be comfortable or take a stand and bring light into someone’s life who might need it. This singular women prevented 30-50 kids from turning into gangsters or dead bodies or overly addicted druggies and changed them into individuals with hope of living a life that could mean something. She is no billionaire nor is she super successful but her life seems so much more meaningful than the lives that I used to admire till now. Maybe I am being too idealistic but I am ashamed of the cowardice I see around. No one wants to get their hands dirty and somehow that had till now seemed a pretty justifiable reason to not get mine dirty either but now it seems like gibberish. Seems like an excuse to hide from the actual purpose in life that I intend to fulfill. It seems absurd and words a coward would use.
I want to be able to generate hope that created something as noble as the freedom writer’s and make sense out of my own life. I feel blessed that today I can think and comprehend the things that I am able to. I am proud of the enriched thoughts that I have been exposed too thanks to a couple of really good teacher’s in my life and then I feel sad because I know this ability to have an independent thought is still a privilege in my country. And a privilege not because of shortage of funds but because of shortage of people who can spread hope for a life in the people around. Imagine living in a world where free thought and by free I mean free from all sorts of bias becomes a luxury!
This was my biggest worry. And now it seems so insignificant. The time that lapsed between these changes, riveted me completely. I just spent the past two and a half hours of my life watching a wonderful movie called the freedom writer’s based on a book. And in these two hours I discovered how lucky I am, how much potential I have within me and the are world’s out there whose reality is far far worse than our biggest fears. The freedom writer’s is about a teacher’s journey into the lives of a group of racially divided students in a time frame in America when racial violence and hatred was at a high. I felt disconnected at the start. Of course I am against racism but never had ever experienced it first hand. I never knew what it felt to be discriminated against because of the colour of your skin. Though I live in a country where the colour of your skin really determines a lot but never let it affect me. Because an advertisement of fair and lovely really doesn’t affect me much expect for generating sympathy inside me for people foolish enough and insecure to go for such marketing gimmicks. However going back to the story I just saw I realized what human discrimination is capable of inflicting into this world.
Its not really about what race are you or what colour are you but more about how many can you gather that look just like you, target all the hatred and suppressed anger towards someone you don’t like much and become powerful by overpowering those who cant defend themselves. it’s a chain reaction that goes on giving birth to one frustrated and discriminated victim to the other. The movie was about how high school kids got into gangs and how their innocent minds that should have been taught about Mozart and Beethoven and world history were taught about sticking together with people of the same race, shooting guns at any person who was not the same colour as you, testifying against enemy races and worst of all hatred. And then I realized something. These people whose stories so appalled me and broke my heart were nothing more then lost little kids. Kids smaller then me in age but so much older in experiencing grief. It reminded me of the hopelessness I had seen so much around me. These were little kids just in school. School, an experience I have just recently passed through and had a wonderful time where I learned how to think on my own and understand what an ideal world might need. And the same word school for them was a compulsion. As one of the protagonist put it- “my parole officer gave me a choice- it’s either school or boot camp!” no one cared and no one bothered. But one person did both. She was just another teacher who could have followed into the footsteps of the people before her but she refused to do so. She fought and sacrificed her own life to bring light into the lives of these children who didn’t even bother to show her respect. She took on jobs so that she could buy them books and when these kids saw the new books on their table they felt better and felt as if someone really cared about them. A little spark of interest ignited a passion inside these kids to actually battle life and they began fighting. The journey from living in a state of doom looming over your head everywhere you go to wanting to become better and demand a better life is what the movie is about. And most of all it points a finger at you, the viewer, the reader and the one sitting comfortably at home. The finger pointing at you asks you that you too can do something to change the lives of the people who need hope in their lives. We can sit around and live life the way everyone does and not bother about anything else. Follow what the world is doing and be comfortable or take a stand and bring light into someone’s life who might need it. This singular women prevented 30-50 kids from turning into gangsters or dead bodies or overly addicted druggies and changed them into individuals with hope of living a life that could mean something. She is no billionaire nor is she super successful but her life seems so much more meaningful than the lives that I used to admire till now. Maybe I am being too idealistic but I am ashamed of the cowardice I see around. No one wants to get their hands dirty and somehow that had till now seemed a pretty justifiable reason to not get mine dirty either but now it seems like gibberish. Seems like an excuse to hide from the actual purpose in life that I intend to fulfill. It seems absurd and words a coward would use.
I want to be able to generate hope that created something as noble as the freedom writer’s and make sense out of my own life. I feel blessed that today I can think and comprehend the things that I am able to. I am proud of the enriched thoughts that I have been exposed too thanks to a couple of really good teacher’s in my life and then I feel sad because I know this ability to have an independent thought is still a privilege in my country. And a privilege not because of shortage of funds but because of shortage of people who can spread hope for a life in the people around. Imagine living in a world where free thought and by free I mean free from all sorts of bias becomes a luxury!
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
DISCOVERING YOURSELF...
ever notice a the people around you? have you ever felt you don't belong where you stand even though you seem to be talking to everyone. people enjoy listening to you go on and on about small incidents and your experiences. your the life in the room. people hang on to your every word and you are the only one who initiates conversation. the scariest thought is when this initiation has led to every important relationship that you have and the scary part is whether its just based on your ability to talk or the connection you have. the world is a stage as Shakespeare said but i wonder is it really a stage and all of us acting out parts that we presume the world will accept?
being yourself is not easy and many times exposing the real you can really hurt you bad. because we are all vulnerable when we become transparent. security comes when you are sure that no one can just see through you. that hope of mystery that envelopes every person somehow gives a sense of security.
how often have you walked into a room, spent time and left feeling you just wasted a few very good hours of your life. obviously every moment of life cant be made worthwhile but when you are stranded in a sea of people you cant even relate too and to be accepted you have to strain on finding common ground you often end up feeling whether it's worth it. sometimes you find a connection with someone you meet. but you cant always be surrounded by such people. every person is an outcast somewhere or the other. but the world is really a stage and every situation you face a scene where you have to portray one particular emotion or one particular character. though there may b e no common ground between who you really are and the character you are expected to play but unlike a stage or a play or a movie that plays on stage the stage of life never closes. it is really only those moments that you are alone with yourself when you discover things about yourself.
a tiny experience that i wanna share with the world- one fine trip, one fine exercise and something amazing happened. to many this might mean nothing but i target those few who would perhaps understand what i mean.
while on a trekking trip we had an exercise where for fifteen minutes everyday we were made to sit alone in between nature on a hill amidst pure nature and no human contact was allowed. the very first time i tried it i found it to be extremely boring as staring at mountains wasn't my idea of outdoor adventure. but as the days passed i started enjoying this experience more than anything in the world. i guess today when i look back i realise that the reason i enjoyed it so much was because it brought me in touch with myself. and then and there i transformed from a shallow superficial factory made child to a human being. it was beautiful. these fifteen minutes were strategically placed at that point of time in the day when the afternoon ended and the cold evenings began. it was a camping trip and the afternoons were the only warm time throughout the day. rest of the time it was very very cold. so when that time started we would be warm and when it ended we would be cold. i could actually feel the winds change. and somehow it felt like they talked to me. bringing messages i could somehow comprehend. i kissed my parents sitting on that mountain every day. i guess i held the belief that the winds took my kisses to my lonely parents sitting miles away from me and missing me like hell...
its just amazing. try it and give it a chance. find your spot and talk to nature.you will feel the change. :)
being yourself is not easy and many times exposing the real you can really hurt you bad. because we are all vulnerable when we become transparent. security comes when you are sure that no one can just see through you. that hope of mystery that envelopes every person somehow gives a sense of security.
how often have you walked into a room, spent time and left feeling you just wasted a few very good hours of your life. obviously every moment of life cant be made worthwhile but when you are stranded in a sea of people you cant even relate too and to be accepted you have to strain on finding common ground you often end up feeling whether it's worth it. sometimes you find a connection with someone you meet. but you cant always be surrounded by such people. every person is an outcast somewhere or the other. but the world is really a stage and every situation you face a scene where you have to portray one particular emotion or one particular character. though there may b e no common ground between who you really are and the character you are expected to play but unlike a stage or a play or a movie that plays on stage the stage of life never closes. it is really only those moments that you are alone with yourself when you discover things about yourself.
a tiny experience that i wanna share with the world- one fine trip, one fine exercise and something amazing happened. to many this might mean nothing but i target those few who would perhaps understand what i mean.
while on a trekking trip we had an exercise where for fifteen minutes everyday we were made to sit alone in between nature on a hill amidst pure nature and no human contact was allowed. the very first time i tried it i found it to be extremely boring as staring at mountains wasn't my idea of outdoor adventure. but as the days passed i started enjoying this experience more than anything in the world. i guess today when i look back i realise that the reason i enjoyed it so much was because it brought me in touch with myself. and then and there i transformed from a shallow superficial factory made child to a human being. it was beautiful. these fifteen minutes were strategically placed at that point of time in the day when the afternoon ended and the cold evenings began. it was a camping trip and the afternoons were the only warm time throughout the day. rest of the time it was very very cold. so when that time started we would be warm and when it ended we would be cold. i could actually feel the winds change. and somehow it felt like they talked to me. bringing messages i could somehow comprehend. i kissed my parents sitting on that mountain every day. i guess i held the belief that the winds took my kisses to my lonely parents sitting miles away from me and missing me like hell...
its just amazing. try it and give it a chance. find your spot and talk to nature.you will feel the change. :)
Monday, May 25, 2009
ABSOLUTE UNCERTAINTY
The path of self discovery is perhaps one of the toughest journeys any individual undertakes. On the way you find so many wonderful new things, your perceptions are challenged and your very basis of life takes blow by blow of hardcore reality. Life is a twisted tale with no real end except death. You grow with a feeling of never changing, but every new stage in life changes you in such magnitude that you tend to loose touch with that person you were once. What exactly is this world? World in reality is a large collection of symbiotic existence between mankind. However on a smaller scale and in a more relative sense ‘the world’ is defined by the people who comprise of your surroundings. With every new aspect of life you are made to face newer people with different aspirations, ideals and perceptions. An idealistic start is what basic schooling gives you to life. So many factors decide an individuals belief’s and ideas. So much changes and so many times you are forced too change. This change actually originates from the will to stay happy. Every individual in this world wants to be happy and have a happy life. But again happiness is relative. Relativity is such a predominant factor hence eliminating absolution from life. Yet ever relative perception we create and every new ideal we hamper arises with the will of absolution. The clash of ideas between two people remains healthy as long as it incorporates positive change however when your very own perception of life is challenged or you start becoming someone you never were, you tend to either put up a defensive front and fight this imposing change, or accept it and alter your own ideas thus resulting in the uncertainty of whether change is good or not. Fact of the matter is change may be good or maybe bad but in the end change is inevitable. A person has to change according to the world around for acceptance and also for existence. The survival instincts inside us often overpower our fixations and perceptions.
Everything new stimulates doubt and uncertainty inside an individual’s head. New feelings, that you decided you’d never have or never knew existed, creep into your head from some corner leading you into this hopeless pit of confusion and darkness. Darkness that challenges your very firm decision of eliminating the possibility of feeling something new and remaining in the light. Life is tough very tough and every new chapter brings more and more confusion. Those who say they know what they are doing with their life also experience this. At an early age where innocence is still a prominent aspect of your thoughts you tend to plan out life. At least you tend to plan out the things you never want to happen to yourself, however plans are only for paperwork. Real life kicks in when these plans fall out flat on the ground. And you stand face to face with harsh heart shattering reality. You can either lock yourself from the world or at least a part of you that you never want to loose or just go ahead and change according to circumstances thus always leaving you lost and converting you into someone or something you once despised. The world is divided into cynics and dreamers. Cynics dominate thought and reality while dreamers dominate feelings and possibility. Its always easier to mould yourself the way the world wants to mould you. Initially things might be tough but with time just going with the flow seems easier. And people who take this path are transformed into this hopeless machine that the factory of the world produces on a large scale. Shallowness, loosing touch with oneself and believing everything even remotely cynical are the probable symptoms. Self belief shakes and acceptance towards everything creeps in giving birth to lack of faith. Faith and reality for a cynic are two opposing poles but for someone who refuses the ways of the world faith is reality. Its tough to not change and stick to your self. Not changing is often synonymous to a rebel or a radical or an outcast. But not changing doesn’t necessary imply an anti social element. After all society is really just a dominating thought process and just on the basis of dominance such thought cant be considered fact. By refusing to let the world change you is to not let the world tell you how to think or how to feel. The basic will to question is fast diminishing with every passing generation. People have begun to really accept everything they are told without questioning. Practicality is fast turning as an excuse to do what the world wants you to do. It not about rebelling against the forces that want to tell you how to think but it is a question of the basic
need for justification. A good salesman can convince you to change almost anything inside you and under the context of that being the only way for your survival. Its about not selling out. Every genius in his/her time was an outcast purely because he/she refused to accept what everyone had accepted without questioning. Life is a hard journey where at every moment, at every turn you are forced to alter yourself drastically. Preservation of one’s self and adjustment to the ways of the world are not two contradictory scenarios. Changing yourself to the extent that the world can accept you and refusing to change to the extent that the world should dominate you are two very difficult things to achieve simultaneously.
It all narrows down to the simple fact that the world is a big huge corporate that wants to produce as many machines as it can to maximize output no matter what and every individual is a fighter fighting out there all alone. Each one would have his/her own aspirations and expectations from life and many fail to achieve even a single one of them. Not many win these battles against the system, many manage to win but are ostracized on account of their rebellion but there is a third kind, a very rare category of people who don’t let the battle decide their fate. Self preservation and propelling oneself higher into the world are the symbiotic conditions that elevate and individual and make life as a journey easier. Not everyone will accept your true thinking, many don’t understand it and many more pretend not to understand it. But the journey is an individualistic journey and if traversed tactfully can actually leave you in a position to be in love with the person you have become.
Everything new stimulates doubt and uncertainty inside an individual’s head. New feelings, that you decided you’d never have or never knew existed, creep into your head from some corner leading you into this hopeless pit of confusion and darkness. Darkness that challenges your very firm decision of eliminating the possibility of feeling something new and remaining in the light. Life is tough very tough and every new chapter brings more and more confusion. Those who say they know what they are doing with their life also experience this. At an early age where innocence is still a prominent aspect of your thoughts you tend to plan out life. At least you tend to plan out the things you never want to happen to yourself, however plans are only for paperwork. Real life kicks in when these plans fall out flat on the ground. And you stand face to face with harsh heart shattering reality. You can either lock yourself from the world or at least a part of you that you never want to loose or just go ahead and change according to circumstances thus always leaving you lost and converting you into someone or something you once despised. The world is divided into cynics and dreamers. Cynics dominate thought and reality while dreamers dominate feelings and possibility. Its always easier to mould yourself the way the world wants to mould you. Initially things might be tough but with time just going with the flow seems easier. And people who take this path are transformed into this hopeless machine that the factory of the world produces on a large scale. Shallowness, loosing touch with oneself and believing everything even remotely cynical are the probable symptoms. Self belief shakes and acceptance towards everything creeps in giving birth to lack of faith. Faith and reality for a cynic are two opposing poles but for someone who refuses the ways of the world faith is reality. Its tough to not change and stick to your self. Not changing is often synonymous to a rebel or a radical or an outcast. But not changing doesn’t necessary imply an anti social element. After all society is really just a dominating thought process and just on the basis of dominance such thought cant be considered fact. By refusing to let the world change you is to not let the world tell you how to think or how to feel. The basic will to question is fast diminishing with every passing generation. People have begun to really accept everything they are told without questioning. Practicality is fast turning as an excuse to do what the world wants you to do. It not about rebelling against the forces that want to tell you how to think but it is a question of the basic
need for justification. A good salesman can convince you to change almost anything inside you and under the context of that being the only way for your survival. Its about not selling out. Every genius in his/her time was an outcast purely because he/she refused to accept what everyone had accepted without questioning. Life is a hard journey where at every moment, at every turn you are forced to alter yourself drastically. Preservation of one’s self and adjustment to the ways of the world are not two contradictory scenarios. Changing yourself to the extent that the world can accept you and refusing to change to the extent that the world should dominate you are two very difficult things to achieve simultaneously.
It all narrows down to the simple fact that the world is a big huge corporate that wants to produce as many machines as it can to maximize output no matter what and every individual is a fighter fighting out there all alone. Each one would have his/her own aspirations and expectations from life and many fail to achieve even a single one of them. Not many win these battles against the system, many manage to win but are ostracized on account of their rebellion but there is a third kind, a very rare category of people who don’t let the battle decide their fate. Self preservation and propelling oneself higher into the world are the symbiotic conditions that elevate and individual and make life as a journey easier. Not everyone will accept your true thinking, many don’t understand it and many more pretend not to understand it. But the journey is an individualistic journey and if traversed tactfully can actually leave you in a position to be in love with the person you have become.
hi
As the title suggests this blog is about me and the world around me. initially when i stumbled upon this idea of starting a blog and sharing my opinion on matters i started thinking of a topic to write on. quite honestly like every other writer in the world i just can not restrict my self to one field alone. as i discover more and more about this world and about people my knowledge expands and hence my opinions evolve.
so from one beautiful little corner of this world i am going to ramble about ideas and opinions that breeze through my mind every single day. not only laziness but lack of content might at times stand as obstacles in my noble cause of entertaining the net world with my opinions. i am a very passionate person who comes with tons of patience and willingness to accept. i dont impose my belief's or opinions on anyone but i can make them sound rational and believable if you give me a chance. so i begin with a piece about life and its uncertainties. hope you enjoy it...and those of you who have managed to discover this small blog amidst all those major superstar or super fake stars or crazy blogs out there...thanks for visiting.hope i entertained you!!!
so from one beautiful little corner of this world i am going to ramble about ideas and opinions that breeze through my mind every single day. not only laziness but lack of content might at times stand as obstacles in my noble cause of entertaining the net world with my opinions. i am a very passionate person who comes with tons of patience and willingness to accept. i dont impose my belief's or opinions on anyone but i can make them sound rational and believable if you give me a chance. so i begin with a piece about life and its uncertainties. hope you enjoy it...and those of you who have managed to discover this small blog amidst all those major superstar or super fake stars or crazy blogs out there...thanks for visiting.hope i entertained you!!!
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